Day 17 of June Dresses; Father's Day Happiness

I know I've mentioned before that I hate Father's Day.  Well, since my Sperm Donor passed away last year, I actually forgot how much I hate it, and had a good day at church.  I still skipped the portion where they show the daddies loving on their babies, but I think that's more because I am having the I-Want-A-Baby urges like crazy lately.  So I held Baby Gigi through most of church, got spit up on, and loved every minute of it.

But I guess I have a Father's Day face.

Missy: "Mom.  You look like a grouch."

Me:  "No, I don't.  Take the picture!"

Despite my sour face, I actually had a really nice day.  However, I am not looking forward to tomorrow.  I finally got called for jury duty, and I have to be in Orlando at 8am on Monday, which means I have to leave my house by 6:30, which means I have to get up at 5:30.  Ewwww!

Missy:  "Mom, I command you to smile!"

Missy:  "Mom, you're a dork.  I'm going to take a picture of your shoes, since they won't make stupid faces at me."

So here I am, finally getting my act together.  Blue "Forever" dress (that's what the tag says) size 20P, bought at a Ross in 2010 for $12.99.  Blue-green Target tank, blue sparkle shoes bought at Famous Footwear in 2011 for $4.  Necklace is handmade from my friend Natalie.

Child bearing hips...I hope.  I'm ovulating now!  Talk about a happy Father's Day...

Moving On...

I'm done doing "sad father" posts.  I promise, the last one was the LAST ONE and I will be moving on with my usual self.  Mr. R is coming home unexpectedly today.  I have every intention of fully melting into his arms, letting him comfort me, having a good dinner and sleeping next to my best friend.  Then I'm going to finally finish decorating my dining room and front door, taking the kids to get pumpkins, and enjoying some autumn weather...it's going to get into the 50s at night!

The Only Time

The only time he ever came to visit me.  I might be 9 years old.  He stayed for maybe an hour.  And I was so happy to see him, too.

I'm Doing Better

I cried for two, nearly three days straight.  My father is dead, my biological father is dead.  No more chances to fix anything, no more time for me to try and get to know him.  Our history is now DONE.   I'm sad, but I am finally at peace because 1) I forgave him, on the phone, and he heard it.  2) I did everything I could, and maintained my own sense of honor.  At this point, there is nothing else to do except rest in the family I do have; the family who has loved and always accepted me, and enjoy my church family.  Plus...I always, always, ALWAYS have a Heavenly Father who loved me before I was even born.  He will NEVER leave me and I have comfort.

So...before my father died, I was working on decorating my dining room.  My dining room is the very first room you walk into when you walk in my door, so it was important to me.  I have a few before shots:

We use this table non-stop.  You can see I have my decorations, laptop, purse, coupons, drinks, and all of Mr. R and Tiger's music equipment is behind it.

We didn't spend a ton of money on this set, and I'm glad.  Because the kids wrecked it.  We have to recover the chairs, with a fabric that is NOT WHITE.

Music books, music cords, iPods...we are the musical family.

Look what the kitten did to one of our chairs!  I have no idea how to fix this.

My (undusted) china cabinet.  I did buy that cute little scarecrow at WalMart for $8!  Missy named her "Autumn."  We're so original.  And Nutmeg the kitten keeps attacking her.

I am in the process of decorating this room and will show it to you when it's all done, which I'm hoping will be by this upcoming weekend.  I didn't buy anything "Halloween"-ish because I much prefer autumn like stuff which I can use for three months; September, October, November.  I'm that cheap.

No full length shots today, but I did manage a few pictures:

Don't tell my extra chin...but you're starting to disappear!  Buh bye, sucka!!!

It looks like I'm winking, but I'm really not.  I think.

One of my favorite coffee mugs.

So I took my new bangs and did a swoopy side bang and I'm totally loving it!

Time to color hair again.  Those grays love to creep in at the temples.

And, last but not least, the perfect way to make someone feel better:

I got me some baby love.  This is Olivia; Missy's best friend had a baby last week and I got some snuggle time.  No pics of me, it was the day after my father died and I looked red and swollen.  Maybe next time.

Mother

I stood at the sink washing dishes last night, tears streaming down my face.  My oldest son, Tiger, who is now about four inches taller than me, came up behind me and hugged me.  "I love you, Mom."  I stood there, hands in soapy water, sobbing, as my little boy who is bigger than me held me.  "I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I don't know what this feels like," he admitted.
I turned to him and said, "Son, I want you to know that in order for me to feel like a success as a mother, I need to have taught you only two things.  Do you want to know what those two things are?"  He nodded.

"I want you to know that Jesus loves you, that He is your Savior.  Two, I want you to know that I love you, and that nothing you do can ever separate my love from you."  He looked surprised and said "I know both of those things, Mom!"

I said to him, "I didn't have the last one, hon.  I knew my dad never loved me.  I knew, even as a little girl, that he chose another family over me.  I laid in bed at night wondering if maybe if I had better grades, or was prettier, or maybe if I did my chores better, maybe my Daddy would come back.  I wondered why my mom went hungry some nights so I could eat.  I thought daddies took care of their little girls.  I wondered why I never had new clothes, or why I had to wear shoes that sometimes hurt my feet because they were too small.  I wondered why I couldn't afford to do after school sports, or have birthday parties, or go on vacations.  I wondered why our church paid for Christmas, and not my father.  Son, for a child to know that her father doesn't love her, does SO MUCH DAMAGE to her soul, to her psyche, and touches every relationship afterwards.  So yes, I am partially crying because now this relationship will never be mended, but I'm also crying because I know your father and I broke the cycle, and that you will never know what it feels like to not know a father's love.  And that, my sweet son, is worth crying for."

Good Bye

He died today.  My biological father passed away of a massive heart attack, sitting on the couch watching TV.  He was 58 years old.  In the end, it was not the diabetes, the cancer, or the depression that killed him, but his sad, sick heart.

This is my biological father at a family wedding back in 2010.  I didn't attend.

Yes, I'm crying, but it's not because I loved him.  I feel the sense of loss because we never truly made up.  I refused to call him, and at the very end, he never heard my voice again.  We were in e-mail contact, but we hadn't spoken in over two weeks, because I just didn't know what to say to this man...this stranger.  His DNA, his features, his looks, his blood, courses through my veins AND I DO NOT KNOW HIM.  And I never will.  I also know now that he died at a fairly young age, of very poor health.  I don't want to die when I'm 58.  I want to have many happy years as a mother, grandmother, great grandmother, with my husband, serving God.  I don't want this unhappiness to be my future.

I will not be going to a funeral.  Funerals are for loved ones left behind, and I was not a loved one.  I was a left behind, forgotten, spit on, second-class one in his life.  He had two children who he loved, and then he had me.  I bore his last name, I bore his mother's name, and he still DIDN'T LOVE ME.  He threw me aside like a piece of trash and here I am still crying over this man who returned my wedding invitation back to me when I tried to reach out to him. 

I will be back soon.  Not sure when.  Love and peace to you all.  If you have loved ones, please tell them today that they mean something to you.

He Emailed Me Back

He emailed me over the weekend at my work account, so I didn't find it until Monday morning.  My first communications with my bio dad in over six years.  It was...well, I was ok with it.  At least he didn't tell me how much he loved me and missed me, because then I would have been mad.  It sounds like an email from a man who is contrite.  And if you think I'm wrong, well....I guess.  Here it is.

Hi, my sister asked me to contact you and let you know what's happening.  I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, a cancer of the blood.  Although it's not hereditary, my Oncologist asked me to advise all siblings and children and advise same. 

A bone marrow transplant is several months away as they want to try oral medications first to see if I can tolerate the med's.  They have prescribed nausea medicine as well as pain medication as I'm in constant pain.  The doctor prescribed Revlimid for a 28 day regiment followed by 4 days of steroids.  A blood test will be given to see if I can tolerate the drugs and see if it is stopping the cancer, going into remission or progressing.  Worse case scenario is the cancer progressing and then they will up the dosage.  If after the second month and no remission, then chemo therapy sitting in the chair through intravenous.  I'm going to have to up my Humalog as the steroids will spike the blood sugar. 

Don't know if you knew that they amputated several toes due to complications from the diabetes.  I'm also losing my vision in one eye, the left one.

So, as you can see, I'm a total mess.  I'm on 100% disability suffering two heart attacks and having a quadruple by-pass.

I don't use Face Book and my aol account is easier for me to work with.

My cell number, if you want to call me, is xxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

I understand if you don't want to and I appreciate what you're willing to do for me.  I can't fix the past as it's too painful to think about.

I'm sorry for all the hurt I've put you through and no amount of words can ever fix it. 

All I can say is I've never stopped thinking about you and I'm glad you have found peace in your life.

Thanks again

Ken

It's enough for me, for now.  

I Despise Father's Day

Today is a day I have struggled with for years.  In fact, I have skipped church on many a Father's Day, unable to control my emotions when I see footage of fathers loving on their baby girls.  I did attend today, but I made sure I was reading something when they showed videos of daddies and babies, because I am far too emotional, especially today.  All I could think about is that, that man finally needs something from me.  All the years of rejection, abandonment, anger, have come to big nasty pimply head.  Now he needs me.  And I could very easily reject him, just as he rejected me, and "be even."  But I can't do it.  I don't want to be even.  I don't even want those years back..there is no turning back the hands of time for anyone.  I think what I really want for him to know is, that my mom raised a good daughter.  So I'm going to see if I'm a match for his bone marrow.

Mr. R is in Louisiana today, but the kids called him on our way back from church to yell "Happy Father's Day" and all I could do was smile and tear up.  I didn't have a daddy, but my kids do.  Oh, I'm so glad.  I'm so glad none of my kids will ever understand that rejection of wondering what he or she possibly could have done to make Daddy leave.  I wondered for years.  My mom was so awesome; she told me that she didn't understand why he left, but that she loved me twice as much to make up for him.  And it sufficed.  I was a happy kid.  I also had my sister's father, who I do call Dad, but I always knew he wasn't really my Dad.  He never treated me differently.  He loved me; still does.  But it is absolutely not the same and you're a liar if anyone tells you differently.  I also had my mom's third husband, George, who my kids call Papa.  He loves me too; unfortunately, he got me during those turbulent teen years.  I do love him, but we're not particularly close.  My kids adore him though, and he's a good grandpa.  When I was a little girl in church, and we'd have Father's Day projects, I'd put my mom's name on them.  I forgot all about that until today when I saw the kids walking around with their Father's Day cards which they  made in Sunday school today.  That made me smile.  I made cards with ties and tools on them for my mom.  LOL.

Wanna see pictures of me without a nasty eye infection?

Note to self.  Do not wear this outfit when it is 103 outside.  I nearly died.  It is polyester, and has a girdle thing built in.  I looked trim, but sweat like a pig.

I'm wearing the cute Target shoes I bought yesterday!  Also, this dress is Merona, which is a Target brand.  Size 2 in the plus sizes.  I think without the girdle thing, it would be too large, but it holds me in nicely, and I don't need a tank under it.  Which is good, because I would have really died of heat exhaustion.

I'm squinting because the sun is relentless.  I guess I could have worn my shades.  I'll try to remember that next time.

I look like I'm falling off the side of the earth here.

Yes, I'm wearing black nail polish.  I sort of look churchy goth today, hmmm?  I guess my mood was black, because I wore black, my nails are black, I even colored my hair back to dark brown which is showing up as black in my pictures. 

A Shock To The System

I really had a great day today.  I got up when I felt like it, dropped Missy off at her friend's house, and had lunch with an old college friend, Michelle!  We met up at the Boston Gourmet Coffee House in DeLand, and it is the nicest one I've been to so far.  I may start going to that one more often!  We chatted for three hours, and then both of us remembered that we parked in the three hour lot, so we both dashed to our cars, yelling future plans as we ran away, and promising (as well as adults can promise) that we'd try to meet at least once a month from now on. 

After that, I drove down to Sanford, and exchanged those two skirts I got about three weeks ago at Avenue.  I also had a $9 credit.  Let me tell you, it was a great day to shop at Avenue, because everything was 30% off.  I ended up purchasing a black cardigan which is shaped like a blazer (a clazer?  a blardigan?) , a navy blue ruched sleeve cardigan, a set of red stretchy bracelets with the matching earrings, and ended up only spending $2.37 out of my own pocket!  Now that is AWESOME.  Then I went to Target.  Now, my reasoning for Target was that I had a $50 gift card that was given out at work for reaching a sales goal.  Unfortunately, after I got in line, I couldn't find the card in my wallet, so I ended up actually paying for stuff.  Boo.  At Target, I got cotton balls, q-tips, chicken strips, four boxes of mac n cheese, a bag of steam broccoli, and a pair of flats.  They are black with flowers on them, open toe flats.  Very cute indeed.  May wear to church tomorrow.

Picked Missy up from her friend's house, went home and watched weather obsessively because by that point, we were under a tornado warning.  We got lots of much needed rain, a ton of wind, but no tornado.  Phew.  We ate dinner, and I decided to log onto facebook to wish my neighbor a happy birthday.  And that is when I got the shock.

A message from my Uncle Keith.  Not uncommon, he writes me lots of messages because we actually have children the same age (I started young, he started late.)  In fact, his ex-wife and I were pregnant at same time for our second children.  I had Tiger first, and she had her son CJ three months later.  Anyway, the message he sent was this: 

Keith, do me a favor. Since I'm blocked from your sister and Sarah, would you let them know that I have been diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma Leukemia. I don't want anything, this is for Sarah to advise her doctors about my medical condition for herself and the kids.

Thanks

Ken

 My biological father is dying.   He has a painful cancer of the bones, and does not have much time to live.  I sat at the computer and stared at this.  I do not love my biological father.  I do not respect my biological father.  However, I cannot help but be sad that he is dying, and that is in pain, and that the family he chose apparently doesn't give two damns about him, according to my Aunt Eileen (his sister, my aunt.)  My Aunt Eileen called me five minutes after I opened the email, and she was upset that I already knew.  She asked me if I was ok, but I didn't honestly have a real opinion about the situation.  Just sadness for him.  Then she said that all the siblings (he is the second of six kids) would be testing to see if they were a candidate for a bone marrow transplant.  And then she said, "Sarah, a sibling only has a 5% chance of being a match.  But a child has a 50% chance."  And before I knew it, before I could even think, I offered to be the bone marrow donor for the man who abandoned me at birth and left me to rot in the slums of Queens.  My aunt cried over the phone.  She was grateful, even though I still may not be a match.  She told me I was an angel.  I snorted, a painful laugh, because I don't feel like an angel.  I offered only because if he dies, and I did nothing, I will suffer with guilt for the rest of my life.  And I cannot offer any  more guilt and despair over this man who hates me so much that on my 30th birthday, he told me that he wished I had never been born, and that my mother and I would die.  

I really am not telling anyone this so you can log on and tell me how wonderful I am.  Because I am not.  I'm actually offering to do this in a selfish way, one to alleviate any guilt for the future, and two because I want to look good.  Hey, I admit it.  If I turn away and say No, let him die, then I am no better than anyone else.  And darned if I like to look better than others.  Shallow?  Probably.  Definitely.  I sort of wish I hadn't offered at this point, but I did, and I'm not going back on my word.  He lives in Vegas, so I don't have to see him.  I don't have to hold his hand or send him a card or clean his house or drive him to appointments.  Right now, I'm waiting on the information from my aunt to see what has to be done.  If I am a match, I understand the procedure is free for me, but extremely painful and I will miss some work.  Would you all just please pray for me, because I'm scared and sad and starting to doubt myself.