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Thursday, October 13, 2011

Mother

I stood at the sink washing dishes last night, tears streaming down my face.  My oldest son, Tiger, who is now about four inches taller than me, came up behind me and hugged me.  "I love you, Mom."  I stood there, hands in soapy water, sobbing, as my little boy who is bigger than me held me.  "I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I don't know what this feels like," he admitted.
I turned to him and said, "Son, I want you to know that in order for me to feel like a success as a mother, I need to have taught you only two things.  Do you want to know what those two things are?"  He nodded.

"I want you to know that Jesus loves you, that He is your Savior.  Two, I want you to know that I love you, and that nothing you do can ever separate my love from you."  He looked surprised and said "I know both of those things, Mom!"

I said to him, "I didn't have the last one, hon.  I knew my dad never loved me.  I knew, even as a little girl, that he chose another family over me.  I laid in bed at night wondering if maybe if I had better grades, or was prettier, or maybe if I did my chores better, maybe my Daddy would come back.  I wondered why my mom went hungry some nights so I could eat.  I thought daddies took care of their little girls.  I wondered why I never had new clothes, or why I had to wear shoes that sometimes hurt my feet because they were too small.  I wondered why I couldn't afford to do after school sports, or have birthday parties, or go on vacations.  I wondered why our church paid for Christmas, and not my father.  Son, for a child to know that her father doesn't love her, does SO MUCH DAMAGE to her soul, to her psyche, and touches every relationship afterwards.  So yes, I am partially crying because now this relationship will never be mended, but I'm also crying because I know your father and I broke the cycle, and that you will never know what it feels like to not know a father's love.  And that, my sweet son, is worth crying for."

3 comments:

D'Rae said...

beautifully written!

Sarah R said...

Thank you...I am feeling much better today. No one told me his service is Tuesday. Even in death, I'm left out of it all.

Sarah R said...

Thank you...I am feeling much better today. No one told me his service is Tuesday. Even in death, I'm left out of it all.