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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Good Bye

He died today.  My biological father passed away of a massive heart attack, sitting on the couch watching TV.  He was 58 years old.  In the end, it was not the diabetes, the cancer, or the depression that killed him, but his sad, sick heart.

This is my biological father at a family wedding back in 2010.  I didn't attend.
Yes, I'm crying, but it's not because I loved him.  I feel the sense of loss because we never truly made up.  I refused to call him, and at the very end, he never heard my voice again.  We were in e-mail contact, but we hadn't spoken in over two weeks, because I just didn't know what to say to this man...this stranger.  His DNA, his features, his looks, his blood, courses through my veins AND I DO NOT KNOW HIM.  And I never will.  I also know now that he died at a fairly young age, of very poor health.  I don't want to die when I'm 58.  I want to have many happy years as a mother, grandmother, great grandmother, with my husband, serving God.  I don't want this unhappiness to be my future.

I will not be going to a funeral.  Funerals are for loved ones left behind, and I was not a loved one.  I was a left behind, forgotten, spit on, second-class one in his life.  He had two children who he loved, and then he had me.  I bore his last name, I bore his mother's name, and he still DIDN'T LOVE ME.  He threw me aside like a piece of trash and here I am still crying over this man who returned my wedding invitation back to me when I tried to reach out to him. 

I will be back soon.  Not sure when.  Love and peace to you all.  If you have loved ones, please tell them today that they mean something to you.

3 comments:

Sahaana said...

My heart goes out to you Sarah ! My prayers are with you, that you will be filled with the peace and comfort that surpasses all understanding....Take care dearie..

D'Rae said...

I am so sorry Sarah! I will be praying for you, that you may find some comfort and God's will about this.

Sarah R said...

Thank you...I am so conflicted. Why am I crying so much over someone who didn't love me? I think my cousin Dee is right, I need some serious therapy.