Saturday, June 18, 2011

A Shock To The System

I really had a great day today.  I got up when I felt like it, dropped Missy off at her friend's house, and had lunch with an old college friend, Michelle!  We met up at the Boston Gourmet Coffee House in DeLand, and it is the nicest one I've been to so far.  I may start going to that one more often!  We chatted for three hours, and then both of us remembered that we parked in the three hour lot, so we both dashed to our cars, yelling future plans as we ran away, and promising (as well as adults can promise) that we'd try to meet at least once a month from now on. 

After that, I drove down to Sanford, and exchanged those two skirts I got about three weeks ago at Avenue.  I also had a $9 credit.  Let me tell you, it was a great day to shop at Avenue, because everything was 30% off.  I ended up purchasing a black cardigan which is shaped like a blazer (a clazer?  a blardigan?) , a navy blue ruched sleeve cardigan, a set of red stretchy bracelets with the matching earrings, and ended up only spending $2.37 out of my own pocket!  Now that is AWESOME.  Then I went to Target.  Now, my reasoning for Target was that I had a $50 gift card that was given out at work for reaching a sales goal.  Unfortunately, after I got in line, I couldn't find the card in my wallet, so I ended up actually paying for stuff.  Boo.  At Target, I got cotton balls, q-tips, chicken strips, four boxes of mac n cheese, a bag of steam broccoli, and a pair of flats.  They are black with flowers on them, open toe flats.  Very cute indeed.  May wear to church tomorrow.

Picked Missy up from her friend's house, went home and watched weather obsessively because by that point, we were under a tornado warning.  We got lots of much needed rain, a ton of wind, but no tornado.  Phew.  We ate dinner, and I decided to log onto facebook to wish my neighbor a happy birthday.  And that is when I got the shock.

A message from my Uncle Keith.  Not uncommon, he writes me lots of messages because we actually have children the same age (I started young, he started late.)  In fact, his ex-wife and I were pregnant at same time for our second children.  I had Tiger first, and she had her son CJ three months later.  Anyway, the message he sent was this: 

Keith, do me a favor. Since I'm blocked from your sister and Sarah, would you let them know that I have been diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma Leukemia. I don't want anything, this is for Sarah to advise her doctors about my medical condition for herself and the kids.



 My biological father is dying.   He has a painful cancer of the bones, and does not have much time to live.  I sat at the computer and stared at this.  I do not love my biological father.  I do not respect my biological father.  However, I cannot help but be sad that he is dying, and that is in pain, and that the family he chose apparently doesn't give two damns about him, according to my Aunt Eileen (his sister, my aunt.)  My Aunt Eileen called me five minutes after I opened the email, and she was upset that I already knew.  She asked me if I was ok, but I didn't honestly have a real opinion about the situation.  Just sadness for him.  Then she said that all the siblings (he is the second of six kids) would be testing to see if they were a candidate for a bone marrow transplant.  And then she said, "Sarah, a sibling only has a 5% chance of being a match.  But a child has a 50% chance."  And before I knew it, before I could even think, I offered to be the bone marrow donor for the man who abandoned me at birth and left me to rot in the slums of Queens.  My aunt cried over the phone.  She was grateful, even though I still may not be a match.  She told me I was an angel.  I snorted, a painful laugh, because I don't feel like an angel.  I offered only because if he dies, and I did nothing, I will suffer with guilt for the rest of my life.  And I cannot offer any  more guilt and despair over this man who hates me so much that on my 30th birthday, he told me that he wished I had never been born, and that my mother and I would die.  

I really am not telling anyone this so you can log on and tell me how wonderful I am.  Because I am not.  I'm actually offering to do this in a selfish way, one to alleviate any guilt for the future, and two because I want to look good.  Hey, I admit it.  If I turn away and say No, let him die, then I am no better than anyone else.  And darned if I like to look better than others.  Shallow?  Probably.  Definitely.  I sort of wish I hadn't offered at this point, but I did, and I'm not going back on my word.  He lives in Vegas, so I don't have to see him.  I don't have to hold his hand or send him a card or clean his house or drive him to appointments.  Right now, I'm waiting on the information from my aunt to see what has to be done.  If I am a match, I understand the procedure is free for me, but extremely painful and I will miss some work.  Would you all just please pray for me, because I'm scared and sad and starting to doubt myself.


Kelly said...

Sarah, what a rough, rough predicament. :::hug::: I'll be praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Blessed are the merciful - for they shall
shall be shown mercy

Sarah R said...

Thank you, Kelly and Anon. Really. Been struggling with this all day, especially with it being Father's Day.

Jill said...

On a lighter side, I have those same shoes from target, but in patent black and they are super cute. Although, I got a blister the first time I wore them on my big toe!

Sarah R said...

Jill...I got a blister too. Left big toe? I think patent is cute but they make my feet sweat, so I don't mess with them too much.

Jennifer M. said...

Don't be too hard on yourself. I think a lot of people in your situation would've said f--- you and let the man die. I know it doesn't feel like you're doing the gracious thing, but I wonder if you reacted that way because you're a loving daughter of the Lord and that's what you do when you have His love in you. You're a kind person and yes, that's tainted with selfish motives sometimes, but deep down, God is what motivates you and moves you to do things, even the hard things.