Sunday, June 19, 2011

I Despise Father's Day

Today is a day I have struggled with for years.  In fact, I have skipped church on many a Father's Day, unable to control my emotions when I see footage of fathers loving on their baby girls.  I did attend today, but I made sure I was reading something when they showed videos of daddies and babies, because I am far too emotional, especially today.  All I could think about is that, that man finally needs something from me.  All the years of rejection, abandonment, anger, have come to big nasty pimply head.  Now he needs me.  And I could very easily reject him, just as he rejected me, and "be even."  But I can't do it.  I don't want to be even.  I don't even want those years back..there is no turning back the hands of time for anyone.  I think what I really want for him to know is, that my mom raised a good daughter.  So I'm going to see if I'm a match for his bone marrow.

Mr. R is in Louisiana today, but the kids called him on our way back from church to yell "Happy Father's Day" and all I could do was smile and tear up.  I didn't have a daddy, but my kids do.  Oh, I'm so glad.  I'm so glad none of my kids will ever understand that rejection of wondering what he or she possibly could have done to make Daddy leave.  I wondered for years.  My mom was so awesome; she told me that she didn't understand why he left, but that she loved me twice as much to make up for him.  And it sufficed.  I was a happy kid.  I also had my sister's father, who I do call Dad, but I always knew he wasn't really my Dad.  He never treated me differently.  He loved me; still does.  But it is absolutely not the same and you're a liar if anyone tells you differently.  I also had my mom's third husband, George, who my kids call Papa.  He loves me too; unfortunately, he got me during those turbulent teen years.  I do love him, but we're not particularly close.  My kids adore him though, and he's a good grandpa.  When I was a little girl in church, and we'd have Father's Day projects, I'd put my mom's name on them.  I forgot all about that until today when I saw the kids walking around with their Father's Day cards which they  made in Sunday school today.  That made me smile.  I made cards with ties and tools on them for my mom.  LOL.

Wanna see pictures of me without a nasty eye infection?

Note to self.  Do not wear this outfit when it is 103 outside.  I nearly died.  It is polyester, and has a girdle thing built in.  I looked trim, but sweat like a pig.

I'm wearing the cute Target shoes I bought yesterday!  Also, this dress is Merona, which is a Target brand.  Size 2 in the plus sizes.  I think without the girdle thing, it would be too large, but it holds me in nicely, and I don't need a tank under it.  Which is good, because I would have really died of heat exhaustion.

I'm squinting because the sun is relentless.  I guess I could have worn my shades.  I'll try to remember that next time.

I look like I'm falling off the side of the earth here.
Yes, I'm wearing black nail polish.  I sort of look churchy goth today, hmmm?  I guess my mood was black, because I wore black, my nails are black, I even colored my hair back to dark brown which is showing up as black in my pictures. 


Missy said...

My daddy died of a brain tumor when I was 11 years old. I'm now 34, but it feels like yesterday in many ways. I've realized that it's made me who I am today, but days like today make me realize I need to forgive myself for being bitter. I just can't help it. Short story being, I can completely relate to your post.

Sarah R said...

I'm so sorry to hear about you losing your dad, Missy. Yes, forgiveness is a must. Without forgiving my bio dad, I'd be a bitter wreck. I'm still a wreck sometimes. But I had to forgive him to move on with my own life. *hugs*

Terry @ Breathing Grace said...

Your other did raise a good daughter. One compassionate enough not to let her own pain stop her from doing what she can to help her father.

and your children are blessed with a good father. There's that.

Sarah R said...

Terry, I'm so glad my kids have a great dad. Sometimes I even get a bit misty eyed when he's wrestling around with them. Thinking, you kids don't even KNOW how blessed you are!

Jennifer M. said...

I definitely agree w/ you that it will always leave a hole in you when your natural parents abandon you. I, fortunately, have not had to face this, but I've seen it first hand with my cousin and uncle both abandoning their children. It's just the most horrid thing it the world to look in those children's eyes and know that a fundamental piece of their security was broken, on purpose, by someone who should've loved them. Nothing can ever really fix that.

I love that you have found a way to forgive though. That, I think, would be the hardest thing to do in this sort of situation. It would be much easier to hold on to the bitterness.