Sunday, July 24, 2016

Um. Hi There.

I have not blogged since March.  It's July!  I have thought about this blog on almost a daily basis, and then thought, "But I have nothing to share."  I have been so sad, so despondent, so self absorbed that I couldn't bear to log on and speak about my life.

In the time I've been away, Tiger turned 19.  He graduated from high school, got a job as a cashier at a convenience store, and is considering joining Florida Wildlife Commission, which is like a police officer but dealing with wildlife issues.  I think he'd be very good at it.  He's been with his girlfriend for almost three years and they're planning a future together.  I give it five years and I'll be a grandmother.

Bucket turned 18 in early July.  Yes, all of my children are now adults.  We are in the process of applying for social security disability for him.  He didn't graduate with his class and so he's going back for at least a half year.  He has 3.5 credits before he can graduate.

Missy will be 21 in a week.  She's working part time and dropped out of college for now.  I'm praying she goes back.

I'll be at my job for a year this upcoming Wednesday.  It is not my happy place.  I have routinely starting calling my office "the lion's den" and I dread pulling into the parking lot.  I've had to increase my blood pressure medication and I eat my lunch in my car to avoid talking to anyone so no more complaints will be lodged against me.  It's so hard being in a place for 9 hours a day when you're so unhappy.

That being said, I did take some pictures over the course of a few months.

This entire shirt says "Do All Things With Love" and it's a size 14/16 from Lane Bryant and I bought it at least a year ago, maybe even two.  The blush color is so close to my skin color that I feel naked wearing it and don't particularly like it.  But I like the message.

My husband and I hadn't seen each other so he asked me to send a picture.  I know he likes hair so I tried to fan it out around me.  Frankly, I just looked tired and ready for a nap and there's my big ol tattoo that I got when I was 18.  But my brows look excellent here.

4th of July at Wes Crile Park in Deltona FL to see the fireworks with my birthday boy on July 4th.

I just took this last week.  I don't know if you can tell how gray I am going.  I am so stressed out that I have noticed that my hair grays much faster than it used to.  It must be bad when my husband even begged me to go get my hair done.  "I know it's bothering you" he said, and while he is correct, my depression is so firmly entrenched that I have not given a rats patootie about my hair lately.  

Somehow, I managed to come out of my funk a bit, and I applied to a company which called me two hours after I emailed them.  I have an interview Friday, and I took the entire day off just so I can relax, maybe get a pedicure and my goodness do I need a three day weekend.  I don't know if this is the right step, but I do know that I'm not getting anywhere, where I'm at right now.  So it's worth a shot, right?

Thursday, March 31, 2016


Tequila got pregnant by the studly Chihuahua "Diesel" on our street, and she had six lovely puppies on the stormy night of March 26th.  It's fun to come home from work to see them.

She is so tired.

So we're helping out by bottle feeding the two smallest ones.

I call this one Piglet.

At age 18, my son is finally driving.  This is me trying to reach the pedals after he gets out.

The work situation has not changed.  I eat lunch in my car every day (and I keep spilling food in it.  It has to be detailed soon before the food starts to smell.)  I avoid everyone.  I have been required to take a class in workplace confrontation which honestly makes me mad because I have no idea who filed the complaints against me.  I am learning quite a bit from it, but it sort of feels like punishment.  I'm trying not to take it as such, and I was very nice to the HR lady when she told me I had to take it due to the amount of complaints received.  But I still find it upsetting.  I'm about half way through it now.  I am applying to other positions without much luck, but I figure God is keeping me here to teach me something, so I'm trying to be open to this experience.

I ordered materials to earn my next certification.  I decided to get my CHONC, which is a specialized certification in hematology and oncology.  My first job after the hospital ended was an oncology office, and I found it fascinating while I was there.  I'm paying for it on my own, so even though it has nothing to do with the job I have now, I figured it would be interesting enough to keep me occupied.

Parenting is weird now that the kids are so much older.  Missy is doing so much better after her suicide attempt in January.  She's got a new job, is back in college, and she's also studying to become a medical coder.  We sit together while I'm doing my CEUs and hopefully this will give her an edge as she moves into this profession.  Tiger is finally about to finish high school, and has a job interview tomorrow.  Poor kid has been looking for a job for over a year.  I can't believe how cut throat places like grocery stores and fast food are now; they want experience, and I remember when that was how all kids started.  He's going to be 19 in April, he's so ready to work and start his adult life.  Unfortunately, Bucket is not going to graduate on time with his class.  He's short by 3 credits, all math.  I don't know what we're going to do, either put him back in school for one more year or let him get his GED.  He's not capable of going to college and not sure of which places will hire someone with a disability.  He'll be 18 in July, and I will be officially "done" as I have raised three children into adulthood.

So, what's next for me?  Getting Missy, Tiger and their friend Des to move out.  Help Bucket move into adulthood, with as little help from me as possible, but as much help as he needs to be a success.  Hopefully find a work at home coding position with great benefits and pay.  Pay off some debt, start putting money away for retirement, do some home repairs that have been bugging me (we haven't had a kitchen floor in almost two years, just bare concrete.)  Putting my health as a major priority, working out and managing my diabetes better.   I would love to go on a cruise with my husband, Mostly, I want to grow closer in my relationship with Jesus, learn more about Him, and become more comfortable sharing my faith.

I should have this pictures this weekend, a friend of mine is turning 40 on Saturday so I expect some shenanigans to happen.  No drinking for me of course, but I'm happy to take pictures of the silliness.  :)

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Finally, Some Fun

Last weekend, I did my usual house cleaning and laundry on Saturday.  And of course, I went to church on Sunday.  But I dreaded going home to do nothing and spend hours on Pinterest (although I do really love Pinterest.)  On a whim, I told the kids to load up and get in the car, because we were going to the springs.  And I'm so glad we did.  I needed fresh air, sunshine, and no screen time!

I caught three fish!  Wearing my red Love shirt (this was Valentine's Day) that I got from Ross for $6, Svoboda jeans that are far too large for me now, my beat up pink flip flops and a pink and red heart scarf in my hair, from the Dollar Tree!

I did throw the fish back.

Look how cute!  A baby manatee, his mama is nearby. 
I made this my Facebook profile picture.  I needed something funny!  However, those roots are not funny at all.  No sir.

Only 2 kids were able to come with me.  Missy was at work, and poor Bucket had a terrible cough and congestion.
This day was just what I needed to take a break from a busy world, smile, get fresh air, and just be grateful for a beautiful spring day in Central Florida.  

Unfortunately, this weekend is different.  On Wednesday, I started feeling like of icky, but not a cold.  It hurt when I used the restroom (ahem) and by Thursday morning, I actually left work to go to the urgent care center.  It turns out I had a thrombosed external hemorrhoid and an anal fissure (google those images if you need to vomit).  I missed work on Friday to basically spend the day in my bathroom, sobbing and wishing for death.  It's Saturday morning now, and I still hurt, although I did get medicine.  The medicine, it's delightful.  It's a foam that comes with an applicator that could be used as a torture device.  And it burns.  Internally.  But the pressure is going away, and I'm not screaming in agony anymore.  But right now, I'm sitting on a heat pad on my bed, cradling a snoring Chihuahua.  Not exactly a fun day.  The rectal pain is mostly gone, but I have this weird sensation of pressure in my lady parts, which reminds me a lot of how I felt after I gave birth to the kids.  It's a strange sensation for sure, and I find it difficult to sit comfortably, bend, and transition.  I'm not very comfortable.  

I was finally able to see a GYN after not having insurance for a while, and I was diagnosed with bladder prolapse, which didn't surprise me at all.  So I am wondering if this pressure is from the bladder.  I might need to make another appointment to find out.  

So anyway, I hope my readers are having a better day than me, although I guess having a warm butt and a snuggly Chihuahua isn't too terrible.  Count your blessings!