Sunday, January 13, 2013

Daring To Be Happy Again

I just realized that last week, I would have been second trimester.  Goodness, Fergus, I miss you like crazy.  Despite the fact that I will never get to mother you in my arms, I think about you a lot and am so glad you're with Jesus.  I did my best to keep busy this week.  I worked my 40 hours, made dinners.  Over the weekend, I even got my hair cut and colored (Missy did the color) and got my eyebrows (and lip...shhhhh!) waxed.  I went to a gluten free meeting, took Tiger to band practice, and watched the Ravens pull off an incredible win against the Broncos (I did NOT see that coming.)  I went to church today, worked with a boy with autism who was NOT cooperative with me at all, and I'm about to change into sweats and a tank to clean my filthy house.

I lost Fergus on12/31, but had started bleeding on 12/26; and I just stopped bleeding, finally.  I am tired and lethargic and know it's due to all the blood loss.  I am eating protein filled meals and getting lots of rest; I had to lock the kitties out of my room just to get some sleep.  And I think my pictures this week show that I *am* feeling better.  Physically, I am back to normal.  Mentally, I am still sad.  I don't think that's going to go away in less than a month.

Wearing JCP tank, Kiyonna top, black skirt I bought from Ross last week for $15, and my red espadrilles which I've had for at least 5 years. 

It's a beautiful day in Central Florida, around 85 degrees.  I was hot in this outfit. 

My poor, poor grass; my goodness we could use some rain.

Missy colored my hair; I forget what the color is called but I think it was "black auburn" and I do believe it's probably one of the best colors I've had.  It matches my eyebrows almost perfectly!  Oh, and that is not a weird cowlick on the side of my head, that is a rack by the door for our keys.  How funny it looks!  And my eyes look super blue.  A definite good "winter" hair color, now if only winter would arrive...

Pedi desperately needed!
Mr. R should be home by Thursday.  One of the weirdest side effects of a miscarriage?  I am...what some may call..."erotically charged."  Considering my sex drive went KAPUT during the pregnancy, I am kind of surprised at how ready I am for Mr. R to come home and take care of some business, shall I say.  And who knows?  Maybe we will be blessed again sooner than expected.  Here is something I may not have shared in the past, but my very first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage on October 15, 1994.  I had Missy on July 29, 1995.  So I very quickly conceived right after I lost a baby.  I realize I'm not 19 anymore, but perhaps that is what is in store?  I don't know.  I pray that the Lord will allow us to conceive again.  And in fact, I'd love to do it now, because that means I'd have an autumn baby, Lord willing, and not another summer one! (although, frankly, I'm kind of surprised that's 85 in January, so really I have no proof that I could have a colder weather baby.)  All I know is, I'd give up career and any accolades that come with it, in order to increase my family.  I really would.

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