You Suck, 2014. Get Out.

So I'm at home having another miscarriage.  It appears to be my December theme for the past THREE YEARS for pete's sake.

On Sunday evening, my husband and I were going to a friend's house for dinner, a couple we hadn't seen in about fifteen years even though they live in Orlando.  On the way there, I was telling my husband that my eyes were itching really bad.  Then my arms started itching.  I wasn't sure what was up.  About twenty minutes later, my friend Denise grabbed my arm and started screaming.  I was covered in hives.  I guess all that itching was for a good reason.

Then I discovered that all this sexiness?  It was EVERYWHERE.  I mean, my back, stomach, breasts, butt, neck, thighs, legs, palms of hands, bottoms of feet, and inside...I can't believe I'm saying this...INSIDE MY VAGINA.  I was in absolute agony.

Denise gave me a benadryl once I googled if it was okay to take while pregnant.  Because...I've been keeping a secret, peeps.  I've known that I have been pregnant since Thanksgiving.  But I've kept it to myself because of my history of miscarriages.  I've had no issues with this pregnancy at all except that I didn't feel at all pregnant.  I mean, I had a positive test, and no symptoms.  No excessive fatigue, no morning sickness, no weight gain, nada.  Only a lack of period which I have to admit is awesome sauce.   I kept telling Mr. R that I didn't feel pregnant and didn't think this was going to end up with a baby, and I was right.

I ended up in the emergency room.  I so didn't want to go, because I have no health insurance.  But I was screaming in agony.  It felt like millions of bugs were crawling in and out of me. So of course, being 39 and sexually active, they automatically test you for pregnancy in the hospital.  It was positive.  So they ran blood.  Their hCg numbers didn't match with my dates, so off to ultrasound we went.  And there, I saw it.  My uterus on the screen, with an empty bubble, and no heart beat.  The tech didn't say a word, and neither did I, because she didn't have to explain a thing to me.  I already knew.

So I'm back at home.  No bleeding yet, but intense abdominal cramping and still some nausea.  I've lost 6 pounds in three days because I can't hold much food down yet.  I did manage to get some broth and water into my system.  I had planned on this being my week to get my old desk area organized and getting a ton of coding done, and I've done nothing but sleep.  I deleted my baby boards on Pinterest because I just can't anymore.  I'm planning to either sell or donate the crib I have, and get rid of everything baby related.  I can't deal with baby stuff anymore.  I tried...my husband and I tried to have another one and it just didn't happen for us.  Instead of aching for what I don't have, I need to be grateful for the three I do have (although they have royally pissed me off with this last illness of mine...literally did nothing until I got up and started crying over the state of the house.)

The only good thing about this, is that once I heal from this last miscarriage, I really want to focus on my health for 2015.  I lost almost 30lbs in 2014, and would love to be in the 100s by the end of 2015.  I'm about 250 right now and I think 50lbs in a year is doable.  I can't do anything while I'm going through this, of course, but once I heal, I plan to get back to it.  I did great last year, and tapered off quite a bit once I lost my job.  Time to refocus my life.

Have a wonderful, joyous and safe New Year, my readers.  I'll be back in 2015, with joy in my heart and purpose in my step.