Friday, February 7, 2014

Who's A Complete And Utter Failure As A Mom? That Would Be You, Sarah.

It's Friday afternoon and I'm hiding in my room. The boys are home from school, and Missy has been home all week sick.  She didn't go to work or her GED classes at night, meaning I have not had a single break from her horrible attitude.  I am worn out.

I was only 19 when I got pregnant, but I was so sure I was going to be a great mom.  I loved being pregnant, loved nursing, loved reading to my children, loved playing with them.  Ok, diaper changes were not much fun but I got through them.  The toddler years were a riot, when they learned something new every day, learning to be independent, and we could do crafts together.

I have loved every single stage of motherhood, except this last one.  Maybe it's because I have three teenagers all at once, and their dad is not around to help me.  But I am weary, and I am starting to think that no matter how great a job I think I did, I was probably very, very wrong.

My daughter has a horrible foul mouth.  She will lie to you, steal from you, and doesn't care about anyone but herself.  She will lie even if the truth would serve her better.  I can't trust a thing she says to me, and I've taken away every privilege I can think of, including driving. She will do what she can to purposely hurt you, laugh about it, and then  mock you when you get upset.  I've gotten to the point where I don't speak to her except in monotone one syllable answers because those can't be used against me.  Yes, that's right.  Used against me.  I have discovered that if I say anything to her in confidence, it goes right on facebook. So I am done sharing private parts of my life with her.

My oldest son is doing better.  He is working very hard at school because his grades were so poor last semester.  He is grounded right now, and angry with me because even though his grades have improved, we haven't gotten progress reports yet, and I won't let him have a friend spend the night.  Missy threatened that she would just pick him up anyway, so I have the car keys hidden in my bedroom so she can't go and get him.  I can't believe I live like this.  He also has a terrible foul mouth.

My youngest just makes me sad.  He has 6 F's at school.  And a B. He refuses to do any work because "I have autism and it's not like I have a future so why should I bother?"  I have taken every item away to him that is dear, including his xbox.  I shut off the cable.  I took away phones.  And still...nothing.

I think back on when I started this whole parenting gig, and I wonder if I would have bothered, had I know the destruction that was going to take place.  I started off with a ton of hope and enthusiasm, and great plans for the future.  I wasn't trying to raise doctors or lawyers, but
 I certainly wanted respectful kids who cared about us and each other.  I didn't even manage to get that.

It's 1998, and I'm 23 years old.  The future seemed pretty bright here.
I think back now to 2013, when I lost two precious babies and wondered if my heart would ever go on.  Now, I'm so grateful that God took them so they don't ever have to live in this horrible house of pain.  They don't have to hear my kids screaming obscenities at each other, or the TV blaring horrible shows which I keep turning off, and feel the contempt running through these walls.  I used to love this house and being in it, but now all I want to do is escape.  So Lord, while I didn't understand your plan in the past two years, my eyes were opened today and now I thank you for sparing two little ones from so much earthly pain.  Most moms I know fear the empty nest, but I seriously Cannot Wait. I mean, really.  And that makes me sad because I have been a mom practically my entire adult life and it's something I thought I did well.  And now I realize I have been fooling myself for nearly 20 years and that I failed.


Lisa in Texas = ) said...

I just have a thought that I wanted to share with you. When my boys acted disrespectful or hurt my feelings - I remember thinking that - because of that behavior it made it easier to let them grow up and move on. Anyway I will be praying for you - hopefully things can get better. Lisa :O)

Sarah R said...

I hope so too. I quit kids ministry. I didn't feel that I could do it anymore, knowing that I should not be around other people's children when my own cannot be a testimony.

Southern Girl said...

My heart was breaking as I read your post. Being a parent is so hard and you are trying so hard (reminds me of when I sat in the school parking lot crying after a teacher's conference). I can't tell you how many times I told (yelled at) my family "I'm done! Let me know if you need my help but I'm done helping you." Also getting away for the weekend or just the day helped me (and still does). Praying things get better for you (it did for me - both my boys are in college and doing well but it was a long hard HARD road).

Jill said...

Oh, so hard to read. I feel for you. Maybe therapy?

Anonymous said...

Oh my, I'm so concerned for you. First, you are NOT a complete and utter failure as a mother - your children have a home, food, clothes, phones, tv, xbox, a car to drive......AND a Mom that cares about them! You've done what you could, now I would turn them over to God and pray for Him to work in their lives and do whatever it takes to draw them to him. Remember that even Moms who really have failed can find forgiveness with the Lord and help to change. Please don't be so hard on yourself or give up doing something you know God called you to do! Praying for you, Cindy