Sunday, December 19, 2010

Confession, Plus A Horrifying Picture.

My sister took this pic of me and the Tiger at the TSO concert.  
I ordered information from my insurance company regarding lap band.  Look at my double chin.  It's bigger than my actual chin!  I weigh, at present, 261.  I actually haven't gained too much weight back since I went off my diabetes diet.  I won't do anything until after April 2011 because I have way too much school to handle.  But once I graduate; yeah; I think I may do it this summer.  I'm going to attempt to hit 230 by my birthday in May.  If I'm unable to hit that mark (only 30 pounds in 5 months) then I am going to do it.  The copay went down to $1500.  I qualify in three different ways:
1) I'm more than 100 lbs overweight.
2) I have hypertension.
3) I have type 2 diabetes.
To get the procedure approved, I need to have two qualifications.  So I shouldn't have a problem having the procedure authorized.

I don't look into this lightly.  Honestly, if I didn't have kids, I don't think I'd do it.  But I think about dying a lot.  I think about dying when I go check the mail and I'm out of breath.  When I sit at my desk and I can feel my heart racing.  And when I think of my husband having to bury me; I get choked up.  Please believe me when I say that I have nothing against being plus sized.  But I don't feel good.  I'm tired.  I have nosebleeds from my blood pressure being so high.  I have sores where my extra skin on my stomach rubs.  I'm so heavy that I can't have bladder correction surgery, and when I attempt to exercise, I have to wear bladder pads so I don't completely soak myself.  I'm angry at myself and want to fix it.   This really is not about my looks, but about my health.  I want to live for a long time and enjoy my later years.  I can't even imagine dying and my kids not having me here.  About my husband having to give up his driving job because he couldn't do his job if I died.  How he'd probably have to sell the house or maybe lose it to foreclosure because he couldn't afford the payments without my pay.  The kids would lose their medical insurance.  I have a small life insurance policy, but I can't raise the premium because my health is so poor.  I assure you, I'm not scared to die.  I am just not ready now, in this phase of my life, to die. 

1 comment:

Kelly said...

Sarah :::hug::: That is not a horrifying picture.

I can so relate to this entire post. It was me 22 months ago. That scared to die feeling is awful, isn't it?

I'm here to support you all the way however you get healthy.