Overwhelmed

This might be the longest stretch of depression I've ever gone through.  When will this be over?  I am tired of crying.  I am trying to find joy in small places, like my funny dog who jumps up and down when I get home, or a delicious dinner.  But all the big things, they're crashing down on me and making me incredibly sad.  I am so glad I have my faith because without it, I'd be in an even darker place than I am now.

All I do is cry.

I am trying to do photos, but I don't even want to look in the camera.  My eyes speak volumes about my sadness.

Tried to do photos, I'm in my son's room.  It's not in my heart right now, sorry everyone.  Entire outfit is Lane Bryant, and really old too.  Like the pants are probably 8 years old, and the sweater has to be over 10.  Cheap Target flats and Target scarf which I think I finally got right.

I suppose I can finally discuss...even a small bit...about why I am so sad lately.

About two weeks ago, my daughter went to class (she's in college!  I'm so proud!) and never came home that night.  She's an adult, and doesn't have to ask my permission, however I do ask her to text me and let me know where she is just so I don't worry.  Safety measures are important.  I woke up on that Tuesday morning and there was no text and her room was empty.  I texted her and heard nothing, so I assumed she was sleeping.  I went to work.

All morning, my stomach felt weird.  It is just not like her to not text me.  So I asked my husband (he was home) to please run up to Burger King to make sure she made it to work.  He put me off for two hours, and for two hours I nagged the crap out of him until he finally drove up there.  And my suspicions were right...she was a no call, no show for work.  I knew instantly something was incredibly wrong.

I put a post on facebook looking for her.  It went viral.  Several hours later, someone found my daughter, alive but unconscious, in a park in Orange City, just a mile from my mom's house.  At that point, I had contacted the police already, was in the process of filing a missing persons report.  This angel called me, said she found my daughter, and then put her on the phone.  I was crying so hard I almost couldn't breathe.  I broke every law known to man driving to that park to get her.  She was so out of it, I took her to the hospital to be assessed, and it didn't get any better.  I found out that my daughter is addicted to pain medications, and had tried to take her own life.

I had no idea she was so unhappy.  She loved school, had friends, had access to a vehicle, healthcare, good food.  I had no idea how hard she was struggling, how sad she was.  And so she took off with friends, swallowed a handful of Xanax, shot up with Dilaudid, and waited to die.  I thank God, all she did was fall asleep in the woods.


This is what I posted on facebook, looking for my baby:

If anyone knows where Maddie is, please contact me. She has been missing since last night. We are filing a missing person report. She did attend classes last night at FTC in DeLand and has not been seen or heard from since then. She also didn't show up at work at the Burger King in Deltona for her Tuesday morning shift. This is not like her! She is 5 foot 8, has multiple tattoos and is probably wearing green scrubs.

At the hospital, she admitted that she had intended to die.  I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.  She was Baker Acted, and sent to a behavior center in Jacksonville, about 2.5 hours north of me, where she spent 8 days receiving counseling, medication, and care that I obviously can't give her.

Can I tell you, I feel incredibly guilty about how well I slept once she was gone.  Knowing she was safe, where she couldn't hurt herself, gave me such relief.  But it's about to get worse.  I drove up to get her on a Tuesday afternoon (I have missed so much work due to this girl's actions, and it doesn't look very good, but my boss is very nice and is not saying anything bad, but I'm not looking forward to my review once it comes.), I went through her room and removed all drugs (I didn't find much, just birth control and vitamins) and set a very strict schedule for her.

Oh peeps.  She left.  She got a friend to take her back to Jacksonville two days after I missed work to get her!.  Because she met a guy while she was at the behavior center, she's "in love" and moving in with him.  And she's 20 years old, so I can't stop her.  Again, feeling like the wind is being knocked out of me.  What in the world happened?  Why is she making such poor decisions?  Am I a bad mom?  What did I do wrong?  Or am I clear from this mess, since she's an adult and I know I didn't raise her like this?

Mr. R says to let her go.  My brain is saying yes, this is a logical thing, she is 20 years old and can make her own choices.  My heart is saying ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!  She's a BABY!!!  And then I remember when I was her age, I was already married and she was my infant, so no, she is not a baby.  And I can't treat her that way.  And so...I'm letting go.  She texted me this morning begging me to drive to Jacksonville to bring her clothes and medications and I said no.  I reminded her that no one forced her to leave, that I'm not responsible for her actions, and that as an adult, she needs to plan better for herself because I'm not here to rescue her anymore.  It was so hard, my voice was shaking, but I didn't give in to her demands.  I am going to pack up a box I have and mail it to her, with some clothes and her medications and maybe some of her make up and hair stuff.  But I am indeed letting go.

Please pray for me as I am moving into a new kind of mothering, which is foreign to me.  I will no longer be hands on mothering, but mothering from a distance, which I've never done.  

This is us when I sprung her out of the behavior center.  Two days after this, she left.  

I still have 3 kids here; Bucket, Tiger and Des.  Des is moving out soon, she's getting an apartment with her partner near Tampa, and then it will just be me and these boys.  I have a feeling Tiger and his girlfriend (who is still in high school, so they're waiting for her to turn 18) will be moving to the west coast (that's Tampa to Floridians) by August, there is so much more opportunity over there.  So it will be just me and my Bucket.  Lots of transitioning here, please be patient with me!  I'm trying to grow up, too.