All 3 of my kiddos are in trouble, somehow. I had a complete emotional breakdown last night where my poor sister had to spend hours keeping me from losing my fool mind. I won't get into details, because they deserve privacy, But my life is a complete disaster, picking up after them, saving their tails, paying for stupid things they've done...and I'm tired. I have two grown adults who need me as much as they did as toddlers, and a 17 year old child who will never grow up and be on his own. He will always need me. I prayed for years that he would be able to grow up, move out, get married, have a job...and reality crashed in on me and I know it's not going to happen. I cried on my sister while she told me that I was a good mom, that I tried my hardest, that I gave up so much. But it didn't make me feel any better. I just cried, and cried, and cried. Then I took a deep breath and cried again.
But I woke up this morning, and feel better. The truth is, God gives us free will to make decisions for ourselves, and sometimes they're dumb decisions. He loves me and I still do dumb things, too. And I still love my kids, even though they are currently doing things that hurt me so bad it takes my breath away.
So I live another day. I go to work. I laugh with my coworkers. I pitch in 6 bucks for Powerball, because why the heck not. I pray. I read my Bible. I hug those kids even though they drive me up every wall known to man. I do my laundry, sweep my floors, and make dinners. I take the phone calls, answer the texts, play with the dogs, and I dream. I dream in color. In most of my dreams, I'm alone and I'm happy. I live in a cute house by myself, and have a short hair cut, and drive a Fiat, and go to farm stands where I don't have to pick anything out based on what other people want. If I want broccoli, I'm getting the damn broccoli. Because no one matters but me. I know it sounds selfish, but I literally jump into to bed at night so I can dream about my pretend life where I'm thinner, happier, eat what I want, have a great career, wear clothes I love, decorate the house the way I want, and drive the car I want. I know it's escapism. And I love it.
|My next car will be a Fiat. Oh yes. I love them.|
I am ready for bed...think I'm going to paint my imaginary bedroom navy blue and put stars on the ceiling. There is no one to stop me...