Friday, February 15, 2008

I Don't Want to Have It All

Let me tell you about my morning so far.
Woke up about 5 minutes before my alarm went off. Used bathroom, brushed teeth, got dressed. Let cat out, started coffee pot. Woke children.
Started computer, waited impatiently for coffee.
Drove Bucket to school, because he had gotten sick at school the day before, and I left his bike chained up there. Tiger rode to school on his own.
I now sit there, working feverishly. 68 accts, and I have 2 hrs and 40 mins to work my schedule. Then I have to clock out, drive to Maitland, and play in the park for 4 1/2 FREAKING HOURS and neglect my work. We are having "a team building exercise." Which I find hilarious because I work at home...alone. Yes, I am part of a team, but we are a team of singularly paced people.
The worst part is, I don't want to go to the park and play. I am going to pay for this little excursion next week when my schedule is going to rush past 100 and since next Monday is President's Day, I can't even catch up then. Most insurance companies are closed on federal holidays.
Yesterday, when Bucket was home sick, I was sad. Not because Bucket was sick (that happens) but because he wanted to play chess with me, and I couldn't because I was too busy working. How awful. My baby wanted to play with me, but I had an obligation to my boss first. He looked so sad as he walked away, and turned on tv to occupy himself instead of interacting with his mother. The one who is supposed to take care of him, and love him, and play with him. With a lump in my throat, I turned back to my computer and continued working on my accounts for the hospital.
Why would anyone want to have "It All?" What is "It All?" Marriage, career, children, hobbies, friends?
How about instead of having "It All", we simply have "A Few" and do them well, instead of trying to do "It All" and feeling guilty because it's impossible. This may anger some, or rock the boat, but I don't think it's possible to work 40 hrs a week and be the best mother possible. Yes, I'm sure your heart is in the right place, for full time job moms. I am one of them. But what do children need? Another iPod? Fancy clothes? Guitar, soccer, dance lessons? Or do they want their moms to read stories to them at night? Or hug them when they're sick? Or take them to the swimming pool or lake in the heat of summer?
I beg you I IMPLORE. Think back to your own childhoods. Do you remember your mom for what she could buy you, or what she did for you? I can't remember any gifts my mom really bought me (except for my 10th birthday, when she bought me pretty shoes. Thus began the shoe fetish, hahaha) No, I remember us going to the park to ride bikes, feeding the seagulls on the beach in the winter. I remember going to the beach twice a week in the summer. Her teaching me how to curl my hair and paint my nails. Basic sewing skills. Us reading "Little House on the Prairie" and finding it awfully funny, because after all, I grew up in NYC.
Me: "You mean Mary and Laura were allowed to play outside ALL DAY?!?!"
I want all three of my children to remember me as the woman who cared for them, not as the lady who sat at her computer and worked all day. Sadly, I don't know if this is possible for me.
I don't want "It All." I just want to be their mother, and Mr. R's wife. Isn't that enough? And I want to do it well.

1 comment:

Miriam said...

Hi old friend, you are so wonderful!!!