Sad, Angry, and Bruised

Hello everyone.  Still no pictures, unless you want to see my four day unwashed hair and IV bruising over both my arms.  Yeah, we'll skip that.  Let's not mention I haven't shaved for over a week, my eyebrows are growing in, and a pedicure is desperately needed.

I hurt so badly. 

I never told you, my readers, that I was pregnant again.  I've known since October.  But I never said anything...honestly...because I never expected the baby to live.

There, I said it.

Ever since I have known I was pregnant, I had this feeling, this sense of doom and dread.  I was not happy that I was pregnant.  I think I knew pretty early on that this pregnancy would not end well.  I didn't expect to be that right. 

Ectopic pregnancy is incredibly painful.  I sat at home for two days, Friday the 29th and Saturday the 30th, laying in bed and praying I just had really bad gas.  I tried to treat an ectopic pregnancy with Colase if you can believe that nonsense.  Finally, on Sunday morning around 6am, I woke my husband up and begged him to drive me to the emergency room in Orlando. 

We were at the hospital by 7:15am.  I was in surgery by 3:30pm.  Surprisingly, my tube didn't burst, so it was saved.  But our little baby was lost.  Yes, I did cry over the loss, but again, I knew it was coming.  I always knew.

This recovery is going to kill me.  Abdominal surgery hurts, in case you didn't know.  Mine was done laparascopically, which means they went in through my belly button.  But what hurts more than the surgical pain, is the fact that I can't use the bathroom.  I have not gone number 2 (sorry if you find that gross, but I work in medical field) since Saturday.  And this doctor office who did my surgery refuses to see me until Friday, so I sit here at home with a brick in my stomach and more radiating pain throughout my abdomen.  I lay here and cry, from both physical pain and emotional.

My house is a damn wreck.  My daughter's boyfriend came over yesterday and was so horrified by the kitchen that he did two loads of dishes for me while MY kids ignored me and the house and did whatever they felt like doing.  I'm too hurt and tired to be their mother this week.  I take another pill and go back to sleep.  Also, daytime TV sucks.  I spent most days watching the weather and HGTV because it's most talk, baby and kids shows on and I'm not in the mood.

Mr. R is adamant that we are done attempting to have more children.  Right now, I can't argue with him.  My body is torn to shreds.  I know it sounds awful, but being this sick and unable to eat has been great for my diabetes.  My sugar is under control and I'm losing weight despite not being able to go to the bathroom.  In fact, today I am fasting except for the coffee I'm drinking.  Oh, and I'm also not allowed to return to work until I get clearance from this doctor office, so not until Monday at the very least.  I can't believe I'm saying this, but I wish I could work so I could stop thinking about our little lost one and my pain.  I can't do too many physical things right now due to not being able to bend much but I'm going to try to clean my kitchen today, even if it takes me hours.

My faith in Christ remains.  My faith is stronger than ever, even though I am sad.