Down But Not Out

I've just had a bad couple of days.  Nothing horrifying like late December and most of January, but I'm just sitting here at my desk, working, and sad.  I don't like it when I go through "depressed" phases, but they do tend to happen to me and don't see a way out right now.  (No worries...not contemplating anything crazy like suicide or hurting anyone, promise!) As many of you know by now, I'm the analytical type.  (One would think I'd like math since I am, but I don't.  Go figure.)  Right now, my life is not in order and it is causing me to be upset and stressed out. 

I work full time and have three teenagers.  I love my kids.  LOVE THEM.  Right now, I do not like them.  You cannot imagine the pain this causes me.  I want to LIKE THEM.  Missy has a part time job, but these boys don't and I cannot get anyone to lift a finger to do anything to help me with this house.  I've had a chore chart for years.  I remind them every day, did you do your chores?  They are either ignored or done half heartedly.  Last night, as I was dumping the garbage (which was Tiger's one and only chore last night, took me less than 5 minutes) I grabbed the chore chart and threw it in the trash.  I'm over it.  I'm tired of arguing with them.  I sat down and created an awesome little chart for me because I'm taking back the entire house.  I'm so tired of being embarrassed when people come over and there is dirty underwear in the bathroom, or food on the floor.  My kids do not seem to mind letting their friends sit in pigsties, well they can keep their rooms the way they want but the public parts of the house are back to me and I will get them in tip top condition. 

The way my home looks, feels and smells is a source of pride to me.  I cringe when I hear my kids talk about what a "sh***y house" we live in, because they have never lived in a ghetto like I have, or a trailer park like their dad has.  This is the nicest house I have ever lived in, will ever have, and I love my little home.  And yes, my kids have HORRIBLE language.  So do their friends, who have no problem dropping an F bomb right in front of me, in my house, like it's common.  I tell them they can't come over if they're going to cuss, and I send them outside.  Then again, I know where they picked up the bad language, and it's right here in this house.  My husband is not a trucker for nothing.  He sounds just like one.  Yay me.

Speaking of husband, we have not spoken in days.  I had sent him a text (admittedly, I was whining and complaining...about my office situation.)  telling him that I wanted to move my office into our bedroom because the kids were driving me crazy.  See, my office is in the very center of the house.  I wanted the great light, the view of the backyard.  Plus, I hate offices in bedrooms.  I'm very firm on bedrooms being for two things: sleeping and sex.  But I can't take my office being here anymore.  My kids dump their trash on it, want to watch TV, have their friends over.  I can't work in craziness like that.  I'm on the phone a lot and a lot of times, these automated systems will disconnect if there is a lot of background noise.  I've tried to make the location of my office work, and it's just not.  So I had sent him a text telling him I wanted to move the office into our bedroom before I went postal and took someone out.  He called me since he was driving (see, aren't you glad he's a trucker who won't text while driving?)  and peeps, I admit that I was complaining.  But I wasn't mad at him, just the situation.  I don't think I got two sentences in before he said I had a bad attitude (true) and that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calmed down.  I tried to apologize, but he had already hung up on me.

Peeps, hanging up on me is something that I literally abhor.  Can't think of a stronger word.  Detest.  Despise.  Loathe?  I spend all day on the phone for work, and people get angry and hang up on me a lot.  So for someone I love to do that thing which he knows hurts me....I cried.  I sent him back a text telling him how mature he was for hanging up on me.  He didn't text back because, hello, he was driving.  And that was two days ago.  I have not called him, he has not called me.  He did send me some weird text about horsemeat in IKEA meatballs but I can read Yahoo News myself, thankyouverymuch.  I just don't want to talk to him.   He clearly has no desire to speak to me, either.  I'm not going to call and apologize because I did nothing wrong.  Hello, you're my HUSBAND.  It's kinda your job to listen to me when I want to talk, even if it's just to vent.  He calls me all the time to ask for directions and complain about people driving and how much he hates the vendors he works for, and every time he goes to New Jersey he calls to say how much he hates the way "my people" drive.  And even though I'm not a fan of the phone, I listen to him.  I'm his wife.  If I can't listen to him, then why be married?  And no, I'm not thinking about divorce or anything like that.

I think what it is, is that I feel very used up and discarded right now.  I'm an awesome mom when I buy pizza for the crew and drive everyone home, but not good enough to dump the trash or unload the dishwasher.  I'm a great wife when I balance the checkbook, make a home cooked meal, get his laundry done before he leaves on a trip and have sex.  But when I'm hurt or sad or just needing to discuss something as boring as office stuff, there's no time for me.  When I need help doing something, everyone is busy.  I live in a house with four other people and feel utterly alone. 

I know this seems like a whiny post, but no worries, I'm almost at the end of it.  Instead of being depressed or sad, I'm going to try to use this alone-ness as an impetus to concentrate more on me.  Eating right, check.  Exercising, check.  Reading instead of TV, check (except Big Bang Theory...sorry, gotta watch that.)  Putting my love and happiness into creating a beautiful home will give me joy.  Exercising on a regular basis will improve my skin and maybe drop some pounds.  Eating better food will help my blood sugar.  I work for a flexible company, so I'm going to use my flex time to increase my happiness as well.  I intend to move my office into the bedroom this weekend all by myself (still working on the modem issue, but I hope to figure that out soon).  Let's face it.  Time marches on.  Little ones who needed me, don't need me anymore.  Maybe there will be more little ones, maybe not, but I can't live in a time warp hoping someone will need me. 

It's Sarah time.


***edit...I didn't write this post hoping for advice.  In fact, please don't.  I don't need advice.  I just needed to vent.  I feel better now.  Writing is an amazing thing and I so recommend it when one is upset, confused, sad, lonely, depressed.  I feel so much better now that I've got it out of my head and on to paper, so to speak.  ***  Sarah