From Bad to Worse

Ugh. I mean, really. If I could just take a vacation from myself and not be Sarah for a few days, that would be fine by me. Mr. R called me this morning on the house phone, wanting to know why he couldn't reach me on the cell. I said, "I'm not using it." He wanted to know why. I explained, that by keeping his sister on our plan without increasing our minutes, that he was putting me in the position of not wanting to use the phone, so we wouldn't incur a huge bill. He reminded me, pointedly, that the phone was free on weekends, no matter what. So I agreed to recharge it, but we kept talking on the house phone.

He's really angry with me. He says I'm selfish for not wanting to share with Sissy. It absolutely rips me up inside every time he tells me I'm selfish. Maybe that's my hot button, I guess. I told him that he was a good brother for wanting to help her, but that we both know she uses her phone excessively. And I was worried about the minutes. He asked me why I didn't ask for more minutes, and I literally felt my blood pressure increasing. Through gritted teeth, I spit out "I *did* ask you for more minutes, while we were in the Sprint store, and YOU told me NO." He got even more angry and said, "Why do you hate my sister so much?" I said, "I clearly don't hate your sister, as I let her live with us even though I was terrified of Jay, but we both know she's not all that responsible with her stuff or her money!" (FYI...when she was 17, she forged Mr. R's name on a lease for an apartment and it took us years to get that off our credit. Yes, I know it was 18 years ago. I forgive, but I haven't forgotten how reckless she was with credit.) So then he said, "You think I'm choosing Sissy over you, don't you?" So I admitted, "Honey, when I told you that I thought the plan didn't have enough minutes, I was instantly shot down. As soon as you sister wanted back on the plan, you were willing to work with her. The plan didn't have enough minutes with 3 people, and now it has 4. All I'm saying is, if you want to keep her on, add more minutes so we don't go over and get a huge bill!" Which is when he hung up on me, and we haven't spoken in twelve hours, which is just unheard of for us. On weekends, we call each other at least 5 or 6 times a day.

It is such a stupid, stupid thing to be fighting over. But this argument is obviously more than just the phone. I do feel like he chose his sister over me. I know he loves her and feels protective of her, and I admire that in him. He loves her. He's a good brother. It actually makes me smile. I hope someday, Tiger and Bucket will look after Missy in the same way, even though she's older than both of them. But I admit, right now, I feel like his sister's request weighed more than mine. It did hurt. My request wasn't even to hurt him, but just to make sure we didn't go over and get one of those ridiculous overage bills.

So the cell phone is on now, but it doesn't even matter because my husband is not speaking to me. And on Monday morning at 7am, I will turn it off so I don't get any overages. Next time I get paid (which is Friday) I will go to Best Buy or WalMart or wherever, and try to find a new house phone that has a headset jack so that my neck and shoulders aren't killing me from working on the phone so much. And even though I am one of the worst people for wiring, I will disconnect all the old crap, and try to connect whatever new phone system I get. It shouldn't be too hard. I hope. :D

Tonight, I just feel weary. I don't like fighting with Mr. R. I don't like being accused of being selfish. I feel the opposite of selfish. I feel like I give, and give, and give, and there is so very little left. Tonight, I feel like a shell of a person. I feel so defeated that all I want to do is go and lie in my very empty bed, turn off the tv, and wait for the morning to come. Then I can go to church, and give some more (I'm volunteering in the children's department this month) and then just wait for Monday so I can at least work and take my mind off my life.

Goodnight, friends. I feel better just typing it all out. Tomorrow is a new day. I am looking forward to it. Really. What better way to forget your own stupid problems than to help little ones?