Again

I might be taking another bloggy break, friends. It appears the grotesque head of depression is visiting me again. Not sure yet, so you never know when I will pop in.

My health has really gotten me down. The worst part is, is that I feel ok. The sinus infection kind of blew the lid off other stuff. My pcp was none too kind to me. I go in there wanting relief from the high fever, cough, the lack of breathing...and I get raked over the coals for my weight, blood pressure, and family history. (hey, I can't control my family history...duhh!) He basically told me that if I don't lose 120 pounds, I'll probably be dead before I'm 40. (although I was pleased that by their scale, I'm down to 268...6 pounds since Thanksgiving, which isn't much, but I'll take it.) He put me on a blood pressure medication that causes fetal harm, which means I can't get pregnant right now. Then Mr. R decided that unless I lose 50 pounds in the next 3 months, he is not doing the reversal.

So basically, I give up on the reversal. If it was easy to lose 50 pounds, I think I would have done it by now. I told Mr. R to call the physician and get our deposit back. I'm mourning the future babies I was dreaming of. Reminding myself that I have three children who I already love dearly, and I can throw my love into them without abandon. As for Mr. R....of course I still love him, but I resent the hoops he wants me to jump through. He called me this morning and acted like everything was fine and dandy, but it's not. I'm sad about the reversal, I'm sad about my weight, I'm sad about my health. So basically, I'm just sad. I'm also having issues with my two older kids and their attitudes, their grades, and their foul mouths. I feel like I'm failing them as a parent right now, and what business do I really have making more kids right now anyway?

I have another doctor appointment on April 6 to make sure the blood pressure medicine is working out. I think I may ask for a referral to a mental health specialist to be treated for depression. I never noticed before how frequent my spells hit me, but by reading through my own blog, I realize that the depression spells seem to hit me on a regular 2-3 month cycle.

Anyway, I just got my fax, I have 48 accts which isn't bad at all. I'm going to spray the oven down because it is really dirty in there, have another cup of coffee, take my baby-killing blood pressure meds, and get to work. Oh, and today is the first day of another class at Herzing University...pharmacology. I had to order two books for one class! Hope it goes well. As I'm getting further and further into my classes, I'm liking them more and more. I feel like I'm getting toward my goal of my coding degree. At least I'm doing well somewhere in something, right?