The Email I Needed!

I got a call back for a coding job!  Even if it doesn't materialize, just to have good news in my inbox has put a huge grin on my Monday morning face!

It's Still Hot Enough for Sleeveless Dresses

I've worn this one before.  I actually have two new, very cheap dresses which I'd like to debut.  One needs a black tank worn underneath, which is dirty right now.  The second needs snaps sewn into the neckline so I'm not arrested for public indecency.   I'll be taking care of both situations (laundry and sewing) this week so I can wear them soon.  But no worries; I don't mind "remixing" (i.e., re-wearing an outfit I've worn before.) because frankly, if I like something enough to buy it, I usually want to wear it more than once.  Plus I don't have a ton of closet space so remixing it is.

This is what I wore today:

I do have feet.  Tiger is not into my photography.

I'm thinking about getting a nose job.  For real. 

Off to go worship the Lord!  Hope you're having a great Sunday!

Moving On...

I'm done doing "sad father" posts.  I promise, the last one was the LAST ONE and I will be moving on with my usual self.  Mr. R is coming home unexpectedly today.  I have every intention of fully melting into his arms, letting him comfort me, having a good dinner and sleeping next to my best friend.  Then I'm going to finally finish decorating my dining room and front door, taking the kids to get pumpkins, and enjoying some autumn weather...it's going to get into the 50s at night!

The Only Time

The only time he ever came to visit me.  I might be 9 years old.  He stayed for maybe an hour.  And I was so happy to see him, too.

I'm Doing Better

I cried for two, nearly three days straight.  My father is dead, my biological father is dead.  No more chances to fix anything, no more time for me to try and get to know him.  Our history is now DONE.   I'm sad, but I am finally at peace because 1) I forgave him, on the phone, and he heard it.  2) I did everything I could, and maintained my own sense of honor.  At this point, there is nothing else to do except rest in the family I do have; the family who has loved and always accepted me, and enjoy my church family.  Plus...I always, always, ALWAYS have a Heavenly Father who loved me before I was even born.  He will NEVER leave me and I have comfort.

So...before my father died, I was working on decorating my dining room.  My dining room is the very first room you walk into when you walk in my door, so it was important to me.  I have a few before shots:

We use this table non-stop.  You can see I have my decorations, laptop, purse, coupons, drinks, and all of Mr. R and Tiger's music equipment is behind it.

We didn't spend a ton of money on this set, and I'm glad.  Because the kids wrecked it.  We have to recover the chairs, with a fabric that is NOT WHITE.

Music books, music cords, iPods...we are the musical family.

Look what the kitten did to one of our chairs!  I have no idea how to fix this.

My (undusted) china cabinet.  I did buy that cute little scarecrow at WalMart for $8!  Missy named her "Autumn."  We're so original.  And Nutmeg the kitten keeps attacking her.

I am in the process of decorating this room and will show it to you when it's all done, which I'm hoping will be by this upcoming weekend.  I didn't buy anything "Halloween"-ish because I much prefer autumn like stuff which I can use for three months; September, October, November.  I'm that cheap.

No full length shots today, but I did manage a few pictures:

Don't tell my extra chin...but you're starting to disappear!  Buh bye, sucka!!!

It looks like I'm winking, but I'm really not.  I think.

One of my favorite coffee mugs.

So I took my new bangs and did a swoopy side bang and I'm totally loving it!

Time to color hair again.  Those grays love to creep in at the temples.

And, last but not least, the perfect way to make someone feel better:

I got me some baby love.  This is Olivia; Missy's best friend had a baby last week and I got some snuggle time.  No pics of me, it was the day after my father died and I looked red and swollen.  Maybe next time.

Mother

I stood at the sink washing dishes last night, tears streaming down my face.  My oldest son, Tiger, who is now about four inches taller than me, came up behind me and hugged me.  "I love you, Mom."  I stood there, hands in soapy water, sobbing, as my little boy who is bigger than me held me.  "I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I don't know what this feels like," he admitted.
I turned to him and said, "Son, I want you to know that in order for me to feel like a success as a mother, I need to have taught you only two things.  Do you want to know what those two things are?"  He nodded.

"I want you to know that Jesus loves you, that He is your Savior.  Two, I want you to know that I love you, and that nothing you do can ever separate my love from you."  He looked surprised and said "I know both of those things, Mom!"

I said to him, "I didn't have the last one, hon.  I knew my dad never loved me.  I knew, even as a little girl, that he chose another family over me.  I laid in bed at night wondering if maybe if I had better grades, or was prettier, or maybe if I did my chores better, maybe my Daddy would come back.  I wondered why my mom went hungry some nights so I could eat.  I thought daddies took care of their little girls.  I wondered why I never had new clothes, or why I had to wear shoes that sometimes hurt my feet because they were too small.  I wondered why I couldn't afford to do after school sports, or have birthday parties, or go on vacations.  I wondered why our church paid for Christmas, and not my father.  Son, for a child to know that her father doesn't love her, does SO MUCH DAMAGE to her soul, to her psyche, and touches every relationship afterwards.  So yes, I am partially crying because now this relationship will never be mended, but I'm also crying because I know your father and I broke the cycle, and that you will never know what it feels like to not know a father's love.  And that, my sweet son, is worth crying for."

Good Bye

He died today.  My biological father passed away of a massive heart attack, sitting on the couch watching TV.  He was 58 years old.  In the end, it was not the diabetes, the cancer, or the depression that killed him, but his sad, sick heart.

This is my biological father at a family wedding back in 2010.  I didn't attend.

Yes, I'm crying, but it's not because I loved him.  I feel the sense of loss because we never truly made up.  I refused to call him, and at the very end, he never heard my voice again.  We were in e-mail contact, but we hadn't spoken in over two weeks, because I just didn't know what to say to this man...this stranger.  His DNA, his features, his looks, his blood, courses through my veins AND I DO NOT KNOW HIM.  And I never will.  I also know now that he died at a fairly young age, of very poor health.  I don't want to die when I'm 58.  I want to have many happy years as a mother, grandmother, great grandmother, with my husband, serving God.  I don't want this unhappiness to be my future.

I will not be going to a funeral.  Funerals are for loved ones left behind, and I was not a loved one.  I was a left behind, forgotten, spit on, second-class one in his life.  He had two children who he loved, and then he had me.  I bore his last name, I bore his mother's name, and he still DIDN'T LOVE ME.  He threw me aside like a piece of trash and here I am still crying over this man who returned my wedding invitation back to me when I tried to reach out to him. 

I will be back soon.  Not sure when.  Love and peace to you all.  If you have loved ones, please tell them today that they mean something to you.

25 Years

Yesterday, our family celebrated my mom and stepdad's 25th wedding anniversary.  Funny story I didn't find out until many years later:  Mom and George actually got married on July 9th, in a private ceremony, because George (my stepdad) was not a citizen at the time, and he was about to get deported.  So they married on July 9th secretly, and then had the wedding ceremony they'd been planning on October 11, 1986.  I didn't know until many years later.  One of my aunts was convinced that George was only marrying my mom to get a green card.  25 years later, I'm guessing he proved her wrong!

I woke up this morning to get ready for church, and Tiger is nasty sick.  He came into my room around 8:30pm last night and tried to curl up with me.  I gave him two teaspoons of tussin and put him to bed.  This morning I woke up around 7am and I can hear him coughing; he sounds like a barking seal.  I went into his room and when I cracked open the door, he cried out "Oh Mom, please let me keep sleeping!"  I touched his forehead and he's burning up; I'm guessing between 100-101 fever.  Then I walk over to Bucket and he's sleeping on the couch (his usual) and he is shivering.  I check his head; the same.  Probably less than Tiger, I'm guessing a 99-100 fever.  I grab another blanket and cover him up.  Then I check on Missy; she feels fine, but her kitten kept playing on her head all night and she's exhausted.  So I take the kitten, and shut her door.  Now the kitten is driving me crazy, instead.  So, it appears I am staying home from church.  I am making coffee, and will read my Bible instead.  I said just a few days ago that I miss being in the Word, and I guess I now have the opportunity to get cozy and dive right in.

Oh.  I cut my hair.  Again.  But this time, I did it myself!

I have bangs!

Look, I eat salad!

Well, my coffee is ready.  Time to find my glasses, grab the inspired Word of God, and spend some time with Him this morning.  Have a blessed day, friends!

I Just Can't Keep Up

I get the distinct feeling that unless I hire a chef, a maid, or a clone, that it's going to be this way for quite a while.  I feel like I'm drowning in STUFF TO DO, and I don't like it...not one bit!  Even this weekend, there is literally not one part of it that is not planned out.  Of course, it's filled with things I like, so hard to complain there.  On Saturday afternoon, my mom and stepdad are throwing an anniversary party for themselves.  I can't believe they've been married 25 years already!  I'll definitely be taking some pictures of that.  On Sunday, we have church, and then I'm supposed to stay afterwards for a student leaders meeting.  Which I suppose would be nice except I haven't been faithfully attending Wednesday night services like I said I would.  Last Wednesday afternoon, when I reminded the kids that we had church, the sad response of tired kids made the decision for me.  We stayed home.  I think Missy went to bed at 7pm.  Tiger may have followed suit a half hour later.  I played chess with Bucket and just talked.  It was nice.

For the first time in six weeks, Mr. R finally got paid today (thank you, thank you, THANK YOU LORD) so I am going to go grocery shopping and catch up on this enormous stack of bills sitting on my desk.  I also have a filthy desk to clean, my bathroom needs a good scrubbing, and I really want to bake some pumpkin bread and muffins for the kids to use as snacks next week. 

To my own dismay, I find myself not spending any time in The Word except on Sundays.  I feel like a am a complete hypocrite.  Been done with college for 6 months now and have not gotten any better about my Bible reading, although I did add exercise to my daily schedule, and have been mostly faithful with that for about two months.  I feel like I have scheduled myself into oblivion and know I need to add this as well. 

Work has stressed me out completely.  I applied for another job at the hospital, even though I said I wouldn't.  And so far, I've head nothing, which could be a good thing.  The post is now closed, which means that there are can be no further applicants.  When I click on the post, it says that my application is under consideration, which is the furthest I've gotten so far in this application process here at the hospital.  I am thinking about going out this weekend and purchasing a suit in case I get an interview next week.  All I own are dresses, which are really great, but not interview-ish or businessy.  They're pretty.  Pretty does not equal interview, in my eyes.  And I will get a pant suit to hide my leg tattoo.  Gotta play the game, I guess.

I just re-read this (which, by the way, has taken me about an hour to type out because I'm working and I'm doing this while on hold and listening to bad music) and it sounds whiny, which I swear isn't like me at all.  I like being known for my cheerful, quirky, and upbeat attitude.  But when something which takes 40 hours of your week is a drain, it drains more than that 40 hours.  It drains YOUR LIFE. 

Trying to keep my mind off my troubles, I've decided to decorate the front porch/door area for Halloween.  I usually don't, but I've decided to give out candy this year.  With my youngest being 13, even if they decide to go trick or treating, don't really need me to go with them.  They can stay within a four block radius and go by themselves.  I've found that doing something creative keeps my brain happy and not thinking about insurance.  But I won't be doing scary Halloween stuff, like witches or spiders.  I'm going to keep it harvest and autumn related instead so I can keep it all up until Thanksgiving.  Maybe I'll even take some before and after shots.  Yeah, a project.  That's what I need.  A project!

To All Moms and Dads Out There

As some of you may know, Mr. R didn't work much during the month of September; to the point where I am having to call some of my bills and make arrangements.  Ehh, it doesn't happen often, and most are willing to work with me because I am usually on time and make more than minimum payments.  Also, blessedly, we only have one credit card, and it only has $400 left on it, so it's not a huge issue.  Anyway, the one area where I tend to not pay attention is our grocery bill...I went online and checked how many times I went to Publix and Winn-Dixie in August and I was SHOCKED.  I spent nearly as much on my groceries as I do my mortgage (which is $1300-ish.)  Oh my WORD people, I have got to get this under control.  What a WASTE.  I am spending about $300 a week on groceries and eating out, and I don't even have a stockpile. 

So that leads me to my next question.  For those of you who have larger families, which include teenagers, how much do you normally spend on groceries per week?  Do you shop weekly, biweekly, monthly?  Do you bother with coupons or just buy store brands?  Do you eat organic or buy as many pre-prepared foods as possible?  Do you calculate in for kids bringing all their friends over?  Do you have an eating-out budget?

For the past two weeks, I've only had $80 per week to spend on groceries.  Heck yes, it was tight and we are not eating as healthy as I'd like.  That makes me reason (in my own head, which is not always a good place to be!) that a budget of $150 per week would be acceptable for us.  This would need to include breakfast (which for the kids is cereal, but I prefer stuff like eggs, omelets, bacon, that kind of thing) three kids packing lunches which include a sandwich, a drink, and some sort of snack, after school snacks, a decent lunch for me (I don't care for sandwiches much, I actually prefer leftovers!) and a good hearty dinner.  Plus maybe a dessert for the kids a few nights a week.  Do any of you menu plan?  If so, how far in advance do you plan?

I'm curious to hear from you!  Please comment, and tell me how you budget to feed your family!

Nutmeg and Cooler Temps

I woke up this morning and it was 57 degrees outside!  GLORIOUS!  It was so nice out, we walked to church instead of driving.  I should walk more anyway, we live less than 1/2 mile from church.  We got there in maybe 15 minutes?

That's some bright sunlight over my shoulder!


Well, I'd like to introduce you to Nutmeg.  Nutmeg is about three months old.  At first, I thought we were going to have to return her.  She hissed at everyone, including the three other cats, and was completely unfriendly.  But I insisted on giving her some time to adjust, and I'm so glad I did.  What a loving little peanut she is!  She doesn't meow much, but she makes these adorable little throaty noises; I call them "velociraptor" noises because it reminds me of the sound those dinosaurs made in Jurassic Park before they ripped your heads off.  She does meow at the door when Missy leaves for school, but then we get snuggly and cohabit my office most of the day.  I just adore her.

My windows are open on a gloriously sunny day!

I tried to use a scarf as a belt, but I think I need more practice.

Walking to church, on a beautiful day!

I decided on this cooler than usual (but not cold) day to wear my gray dress with my lime green knit blazer.  I put it on, and immediately pulled it off.  Still too hot for knit blazers.  So I wore the gray dress with my gray shoes, and tied my scarf around my waist.  I deleted the one full body shot I took.  It was THAT BAD.  It's a shame, I like the dress.  But it's designed for someone with a different shape than me.  I do believe I'm going to sell a few dresses.  I have a few that I wear constantly, and then some I never wear at all.  So be prepared, I'm going to put a few up for sale and give my readers the first shot.  But until then, here's what I wore today (from the neck up.)

I think I'm going to grow my hair out again.  I covet short hair, but after a few attempts, it's just not really me.  Luckily, my hair grows super fast. 

This will be one of the dresses I sell.  It doesn't have any tags in it, but it does have a built in slip in black which I really like because it cuts down on bulk.