Come Home To THIS!

Mr. R was not home when I decided to do all of this.  I took care of selling the wood, then boxing everything up, moving furniture, washing clothes, and moving stuff to storage.  Phew, I was POOPED!  It took me, embarrassingly, 8 hours to clean my room.  In my defense, this includes laundry, moving furniture, mopping, sweeping, dusting and stopping to make dinner.  But still.  I should be ashamed.  And I still didn't clean the window....it was raining the entire time and I was not about to go outside in the rain to wash windows.

Bed under the window, instead of the middle of the floor.  What do you think?  Symmetry is off, but I like it!

Great view of the bathroom...and my closet!  Unfortunately, I couldn't fit Mr. R's "nightstand" on his side of the bed.  I don't think this is going to go over well.  He likes his drink next to him at all times.

And you can see how long it took me to do all the work...it's dark now!

Ahhh...comfy bed!  Can't wait for my husband to come home!

Welcome To My Jungle, I Have Fun And Games

My room was DIRTY.  Now I feel bad for yelling at my kids to clean their room, because mine was atrocious.  It is not a big room...I think 12 x 15.  We have a queen size bed with a full headboard and footboard, one nightstand, a file cabinet which Mr. R uses at his nightstand, a dresser and a bookcase.  I try to store as much as possible under the bed.  Right now, I have all my gift wrap, an old computer, and most of our taxes under there.  Anyway, this is what it looked like before I started cleaning.  I literally did not put anything away before I started snapping pics.  There's a bag of chips and some folded underwear on the bed.  Keeping it real, keeping it real.

Mr. R picked the color for our walls.  It's not quite Florida, but forest green really is one of my favorite colors.  I think we could use some crown molding up at the top.  It looks bare. 

This was where the wood pile was.  It was stacked about midway up the window.  Yes, that means the window hasn't been cleaned in years.  I know, I know.  Bad Sarah.

The water bottle holds spare change.  Extra computer monitor, taxes, fabric, pictures in white laundry basket, cowboy hat, extra CPU, extra quilt.  Yes, our room became storage.

I made this!  It's my earring holder.  It is an embroidery ring ($1.79) plus remnant white fabric.  I suppose you could use any color fabric you wanted, but I wanted it to look like art on my dark wall, so I went with white.  And as you can see, I'm missing one of my circular earrings...I'm gonna go hunt for it.

My honey really can be quite romantic.  He hung up the candle sconces.  I do love some candlelight, but we haven't lit those things in years.  I found spiders living in one of them.  ~shudder~

This was not an easy clean.  I went through the baskets first.  Kept a few pictures out to hang out, and put a few in a specific under bed storage box.  Taxes stuffed under the bed.  CPU wrapped in an old blanket and shoved under the bed.  Monitor was too tall to go under the bed, so it's in the closet.  Fabric went into the living room...Mr. R is not going to be happy but I hope I can find somewhere to put it.  Maybe in attic, don't know yet.  Ok, let's continue!

You can see that we're readers.  And that is the infamous bathroom where I took a shower with the scorpion.

Closet and dresser.

Each kid has a memory box.  They need to go up into the attic.

Mr. R's new toy; the UFC work out on a door thing.  Of course, he puts it on the door, and then leaves...this is really no good to him until he comes off the road. 

This is Mr. R's nightstand.  Yes, a filing cabinet.  And again, yes...instead of normal nightstand stuff, it has a UFC poster, a bottle of mojo, and my necklaces on the lamp.  We're classy that way.

We are readers!

Someone took a band-aid, left it on the bookcase, and then it fell.  Guess Mommy has to clean it up.

I think this picture sums up our relationship perfectly.  He has a crossbow, I have shoes.

Solution to bracelet storage:  I have a  jewelry box which I can't find right now.  However, I also have these cute little baskets with tropical logos on them.  I've had them at least 9 years.

Into the basket, bracelets!  Yes, that's all I have right now.  I'm working on it.

The Outfit That Nearly Got Away

This is what I had planned to wear the day I woke up with my nasty eye infection.  Another Merona for Target dress, I think I own this exact style dress in three colors; this print, emerald green and hot pink.  A tank or cami is a necessity due to the low front.  Today, I chose a black cami, to match my new black shoes and my black nail polish.  I also did my hair differently today; it has been raining (finally!) and I am Miss Frizz right now.  So I slicked it back and stuck it in a ponytail. 

My answer to all wardrobe dilemmas: 1) dress with a gathered waist line.  2) cami to protect the girls.  3) cute shoes.  4) a cardi, but not if it's over 100 degrees.  5) accessories to pop.

Is the back too low for church?  No one said anything to me, but now I'm wondering.  Another reason I love this dress: straps wide enough for a decent bra. 

It was windy outside!  Really glad we're finally getting some rain. 

Despite the 60% chance of rain, and the cloudy skies, it is still very bright outside, and I am again squinting.

New Target flats!  $13.98 on sale!  They are the same exact shape as the black flower ones I bought last week.  And seriously...thinking about going back to buy the yellow ones, and the turquoise ones.  I'm not sure what in the world I'd wear yellow shoes with; it's not exactly my color.  But for $10, maybe I should figure it out, hmmmm?

Next post will be the project I'm taking on today: rearranging my bedroom!  I think with most married couples, our bedroom became storage.  In our room, we had a pile of extra wood flooring stored for...get this...four years.  Four years of a woodpile in our room.  We finally sold the extra flooring this week, which is great timing because of our vacation coming up.  However, now I have an empty corner in our bedroom.  I am taking this chance to move everything around, dust, deep clean the floors, and try a new arrangement.  We've had the bed in the center of the room the entire ten years we've lived in there.  I hope Mr. R likes it; he has weird sleeping issues where he can't face certain walls and weird stuff like that.  Well, the good thing about rearranging is that if he doesn't like it, we can change it back.  Nothing is nailed on the floor so we're good to go.  I'm going to take a few before shots, get some lunch, find some music, and change out of my lovely dress into some sweats.  Here's to creating lovely space within our homes!

Guess Who I Took A Shower With This Morning?

I kept thinking to myself, "Self, what is that smudge on the wall near the ceiling?"  So since I don't shower with my glasses on, I seriously thought it was mold.  Mold, not too uncommon in Florida in summer.  Then I noticed the mold was moving.  Mold generally doesn't attack in the shower.  So I finished up, got out, wrapped my hair in a towel, wrapped my body in a towel, put on my glasses, focused...and SCREAMED.

While I was waiting on Tiger to grab the bug spray and a large shoe, instead of getting dressed, I grabbed my camera.  Can you believe the entire time, I was thinking, "I must take pictures for my blog!"  My life is boring and lame.  Except for my water excursions with the scorpions.

PASSED!

I finally, finally, FINALLY, found out today that I did it!  I passed the national exam for coders!  I am officially Sarah R, CCA! (certified coding associate.)  Plus, I got my diploma in the mail today too.  What a great day!  Still have not heard back from bio dad, even though I sent him a long email, telling him how to log onto facebook so he can see pictures of his grandchildren, telling him I forgive him...and nothing.  Ball dropped.  But he DID take the time to email my mother.  Dude, you left her with a newborn baby 36 years ago so you start a family with someone else.  I'm really certain she's over you, ok?  Please continue to move on with your life.  Thank you.

I'm sure I'll be taking pictures over the weekend.  Plus...got a new dress.  I know, I know!  I promised I wouldn't buy any more.  But in my weak sad pathetic defense, I am attending a Bar Mitzvah in about a week and had nothing to wear to it.  And I got a very good deal!  A raspberry colored Igigi dress for under $25.  It is FABULOUS.  I'm going to get it dry cleaned and finally buy some shapewear and I'm very much looking forward to it.  I've never been to a Bar Mitzvah before!

Plus, would like to tell you, that we're going away on vacation for a short while in mid July.  Nothing fancy, just a trip to Tampa.  Got a great deal on hotel, Busch Garden tickets, and Adventure Island.  I will not be blogging or facebooking during that time, as far as I know.  But be prepared for picture overload when I return!  Also considering...sigh...going to Target and buying those awful cargo shorts that I despise.  You see, we're going to a theme park in July.  The temperatures here this week have been 97, with a heat index of 104, 105.  Brutally, disgustingly hot.  If I wear jeans, I will literally bake to death like a large Sarah burrito.  If I wear a dress or skirt, I'm going to get a major case of chub rub.  So nasty cargo shorts it is.  I will be wearing them to garden afterwards.  I'm going to look like a complete tourist; shorts, sneakers with socks, and a camera.  Oh, and probably a sunburn.

Plus, I have a small project I'll be sharing with you.  I'm going to be cleaning, organizing and rearranging my bedroom!  I'll be taking before and after shots to share.  Lots of exciting stuff here!

He Emailed Me Back

He emailed me over the weekend at my work account, so I didn't find it until Monday morning.  My first communications with my bio dad in over six years.  It was...well, I was ok with it.  At least he didn't tell me how much he loved me and missed me, because then I would have been mad.  It sounds like an email from a man who is contrite.  And if you think I'm wrong, well....I guess.  Here it is.

Hi, my sister asked me to contact you and let you know what's happening.  I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, a cancer of the blood.  Although it's not hereditary, my Oncologist asked me to advise all siblings and children and advise same. 

A bone marrow transplant is several months away as they want to try oral medications first to see if I can tolerate the med's.  They have prescribed nausea medicine as well as pain medication as I'm in constant pain.  The doctor prescribed Revlimid for a 28 day regiment followed by 4 days of steroids.  A blood test will be given to see if I can tolerate the drugs and see if it is stopping the cancer, going into remission or progressing.  Worse case scenario is the cancer progressing and then they will up the dosage.  If after the second month and no remission, then chemo therapy sitting in the chair through intravenous.  I'm going to have to up my Humalog as the steroids will spike the blood sugar. 

Don't know if you knew that they amputated several toes due to complications from the diabetes.  I'm also losing my vision in one eye, the left one.

So, as you can see, I'm a total mess.  I'm on 100% disability suffering two heart attacks and having a quadruple by-pass.

I don't use Face Book and my aol account is easier for me to work with.

My cell number, if you want to call me, is xxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

I understand if you don't want to and I appreciate what you're willing to do for me.  I can't fix the past as it's too painful to think about.

I'm sorry for all the hurt I've put you through and no amount of words can ever fix it. 

All I can say is I've never stopped thinking about you and I'm glad you have found peace in your life.

Thanks again

Ken

It's enough for me, for now.  

I Despise Father's Day

Today is a day I have struggled with for years.  In fact, I have skipped church on many a Father's Day, unable to control my emotions when I see footage of fathers loving on their baby girls.  I did attend today, but I made sure I was reading something when they showed videos of daddies and babies, because I am far too emotional, especially today.  All I could think about is that, that man finally needs something from me.  All the years of rejection, abandonment, anger, have come to big nasty pimply head.  Now he needs me.  And I could very easily reject him, just as he rejected me, and "be even."  But I can't do it.  I don't want to be even.  I don't even want those years back..there is no turning back the hands of time for anyone.  I think what I really want for him to know is, that my mom raised a good daughter.  So I'm going to see if I'm a match for his bone marrow.

Mr. R is in Louisiana today, but the kids called him on our way back from church to yell "Happy Father's Day" and all I could do was smile and tear up.  I didn't have a daddy, but my kids do.  Oh, I'm so glad.  I'm so glad none of my kids will ever understand that rejection of wondering what he or she possibly could have done to make Daddy leave.  I wondered for years.  My mom was so awesome; she told me that she didn't understand why he left, but that she loved me twice as much to make up for him.  And it sufficed.  I was a happy kid.  I also had my sister's father, who I do call Dad, but I always knew he wasn't really my Dad.  He never treated me differently.  He loved me; still does.  But it is absolutely not the same and you're a liar if anyone tells you differently.  I also had my mom's third husband, George, who my kids call Papa.  He loves me too; unfortunately, he got me during those turbulent teen years.  I do love him, but we're not particularly close.  My kids adore him though, and he's a good grandpa.  When I was a little girl in church, and we'd have Father's Day projects, I'd put my mom's name on them.  I forgot all about that until today when I saw the kids walking around with their Father's Day cards which they  made in Sunday school today.  That made me smile.  I made cards with ties and tools on them for my mom.  LOL.

Wanna see pictures of me without a nasty eye infection?

Note to self.  Do not wear this outfit when it is 103 outside.  I nearly died.  It is polyester, and has a girdle thing built in.  I looked trim, but sweat like a pig.

I'm wearing the cute Target shoes I bought yesterday!  Also, this dress is Merona, which is a Target brand.  Size 2 in the plus sizes.  I think without the girdle thing, it would be too large, but it holds me in nicely, and I don't need a tank under it.  Which is good, because I would have really died of heat exhaustion.

I'm squinting because the sun is relentless.  I guess I could have worn my shades.  I'll try to remember that next time.

I look like I'm falling off the side of the earth here.

Yes, I'm wearing black nail polish.  I sort of look churchy goth today, hmmm?  I guess my mood was black, because I wore black, my nails are black, I even colored my hair back to dark brown which is showing up as black in my pictures. 

A Shock To The System

I really had a great day today.  I got up when I felt like it, dropped Missy off at her friend's house, and had lunch with an old college friend, Michelle!  We met up at the Boston Gourmet Coffee House in DeLand, and it is the nicest one I've been to so far.  I may start going to that one more often!  We chatted for three hours, and then both of us remembered that we parked in the three hour lot, so we both dashed to our cars, yelling future plans as we ran away, and promising (as well as adults can promise) that we'd try to meet at least once a month from now on. 

After that, I drove down to Sanford, and exchanged those two skirts I got about three weeks ago at Avenue.  I also had a $9 credit.  Let me tell you, it was a great day to shop at Avenue, because everything was 30% off.  I ended up purchasing a black cardigan which is shaped like a blazer (a clazer?  a blardigan?) , a navy blue ruched sleeve cardigan, a set of red stretchy bracelets with the matching earrings, and ended up only spending $2.37 out of my own pocket!  Now that is AWESOME.  Then I went to Target.  Now, my reasoning for Target was that I had a $50 gift card that was given out at work for reaching a sales goal.  Unfortunately, after I got in line, I couldn't find the card in my wallet, so I ended up actually paying for stuff.  Boo.  At Target, I got cotton balls, q-tips, chicken strips, four boxes of mac n cheese, a bag of steam broccoli, and a pair of flats.  They are black with flowers on them, open toe flats.  Very cute indeed.  May wear to church tomorrow.

Picked Missy up from her friend's house, went home and watched weather obsessively because by that point, we were under a tornado warning.  We got lots of much needed rain, a ton of wind, but no tornado.  Phew.  We ate dinner, and I decided to log onto facebook to wish my neighbor a happy birthday.  And that is when I got the shock.

A message from my Uncle Keith.  Not uncommon, he writes me lots of messages because we actually have children the same age (I started young, he started late.)  In fact, his ex-wife and I were pregnant at same time for our second children.  I had Tiger first, and she had her son CJ three months later.  Anyway, the message he sent was this: 

Keith, do me a favor. Since I'm blocked from your sister and Sarah, would you let them know that I have been diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma Leukemia. I don't want anything, this is for Sarah to advise her doctors about my medical condition for herself and the kids.

Thanks

Ken

 My biological father is dying.   He has a painful cancer of the bones, and does not have much time to live.  I sat at the computer and stared at this.  I do not love my biological father.  I do not respect my biological father.  However, I cannot help but be sad that he is dying, and that is in pain, and that the family he chose apparently doesn't give two damns about him, according to my Aunt Eileen (his sister, my aunt.)  My Aunt Eileen called me five minutes after I opened the email, and she was upset that I already knew.  She asked me if I was ok, but I didn't honestly have a real opinion about the situation.  Just sadness for him.  Then she said that all the siblings (he is the second of six kids) would be testing to see if they were a candidate for a bone marrow transplant.  And then she said, "Sarah, a sibling only has a 5% chance of being a match.  But a child has a 50% chance."  And before I knew it, before I could even think, I offered to be the bone marrow donor for the man who abandoned me at birth and left me to rot in the slums of Queens.  My aunt cried over the phone.  She was grateful, even though I still may not be a match.  She told me I was an angel.  I snorted, a painful laugh, because I don't feel like an angel.  I offered only because if he dies, and I did nothing, I will suffer with guilt for the rest of my life.  And I cannot offer any  more guilt and despair over this man who hates me so much that on my 30th birthday, he told me that he wished I had never been born, and that my mother and I would die.  

I really am not telling anyone this so you can log on and tell me how wonderful I am.  Because I am not.  I'm actually offering to do this in a selfish way, one to alleviate any guilt for the future, and two because I want to look good.  Hey, I admit it.  If I turn away and say No, let him die, then I am no better than anyone else.  And darned if I like to look better than others.  Shallow?  Probably.  Definitely.  I sort of wish I hadn't offered at this point, but I did, and I'm not going back on my word.  He lives in Vegas, so I don't have to see him.  I don't have to hold his hand or send him a card or clean his house or drive him to appointments.  Right now, I'm waiting on the information from my aunt to see what has to be done.  If I am a match, I understand the procedure is free for me, but extremely painful and I will miss some work.  Would you all just please pray for me, because I'm scared and sad and starting to doubt myself.

Looking Rough

My eye got worse last night.  Not taking any more pictures until my days as a UFC fighter are done.  Let's just say it looks so bad, even Bucket noticed that Mommy looks like crap.  And he's oblivious to pretty much anything.

Chalazion, Gross Pictures Included

I didn't go to church today.  Last night, while out to dinner with the family, I turned to Mr. R and said, "My eyelid hurts."  That's fairly specific, no?  And I woke up this morning, looking like THIS:

Yes, my left eyelid swelled to the point where I actually had to pull my eyelids open this morning to see.  And this is AFTER I had treated my eye with medication and a warm compress.  It was actually much, much worse.  But hey, my eyebrows look great!  I pulled my hair back with two barrettes and gave up on all my plans for the day.  It looks awful, feels worse, and I'm actually having trouble seeing out of my eye.

So clearly, I did not go to church.  I did fall back asleep from 12 to 1 while Mr. R went to church.  I felt bad.  I do enjoy going!  But honestly, no point in exposing all my peeps to my ickies if I don't have to.

I had a good outfit picked out for today, too.  Kind of sucks that you guys don't get to see it.  Guess I'll wear it next week.

I haz a sad.  I'z stuck in da house wit my icky eye!

Booooo to chalazions (or styes.)  You ruined my Sunday!

This Liar Went to Church

I love my church so much!  They truly are a family to me.  Many times I will call a church member if I have a problem, before I call someone in my own family.  It is such a blessing to be a member of the Body of Christ!  I love Jesus, and I love His Word; but you know what, I'm still a sinner in need of grace.  I lied to you guys.  I did.  Because guess what:  I bought a new dress, right after I said I wasn't going to buy any more clothes!  But it was red and on sale; and it's so comfy and I love it!  I'm so glad God forgives me when I lie and sin and do stupid things!  Wanna see my new dress?

Red, cute, and....maternity.  Can you tell?  I swear I couldn't.  I tried it on and loved it, and then noticed when I looked at the tag.  I almost put it back...and then thought, you know, can you really tell it's maternity?  It is lightweight, comfy, a beautiful rich color, and I love the neckline.  I didn't have to wear a tank with it!

I wore my fabulous red wedges with my fabulous Target clearance rack maternity dress. 

Ummm...I also bought the cardigan.  But seriously, it was on clearance too, and it's such a great buy!  I will use it for a long time, as long as I don't spill anything on it.

Sarah!  DUST YOUR CHINA CABINET FOR PETE'S SAKE!

I also took pictures of Missy and Tiger.  Bucket was not having it.  Which is really a shame because he looked cute this morning. 

His shirt says "I would lift weights if they weren't so heavy."  Ah, sarcasm.  He is fluent.

Someone is learning to pose like her mama.

I may have to steal this top from her, now that I think about it.

And last but not least:

Where is my dinner, human?!?!

I see you putting dirty dishes in this box thingy here, lady, but I am wondering where the vittles are.

If you don't feed me, I'm gonna poop in your shoe.  Oh, wait, I did that already.  Can I eat anyway?

Fixed!

I think we should all applaud Doug, my Tiger's bass teacher.  Not only is he an excellent musician and a friend of the family, but he is also a self appointed computer geek.  He fixed my laptop in about 30 minutes!  I'd love to pay him, but that's not how we roll.  He was happy to help, and I was happy to feed him.  You see, we used to drive to his store for lessons, but due to the economy, he was forced to close it.  Now, he drives to our house for lessons, which I love because now I'm not as rushed to get out of here on Thursdays.  But since he is paying for gas when it's so expensive, I cook him dinner every Thursday night, plus our normal music lesson fee.  As a single guy, he doesn't cook much and so having a real dinner makes him pretty happy.  I've also had fun cooking for him because he'll eat almost anything.  This past Thursday, I made chicken parmigiana.  The Thursday before, we did Shepherd's Pie.  Before that, I think we did bbq pulled pork.  I've also done mini meatloafs, enchiladas, spaghetti and meatballs.  Maybe I should start doing Thursday Night posts about food, because it always comes out pretty good.  Let me stew on that.

Get it?  Stew?  On food posts?  Oh, I kill me.  Hahahahaha.

Not much else is going on around here.  I worked like crazy this week, trying to catch up after Memorial Day.  It was great having a three day weekend.  It was not great working 38 hours in 4 days.  My back was killing me most of the week.  But I did catch up and my schedule is looking much better than it has in weeks.  So I'm grateful for that.

Here are pictures of Tiger, hanging out with our cat Buck.  Buck LOVES Tiger.  This cat is probably the most vocal cat I've ever had.  He meows loudly...constantly.  But for some reason, will not talk to Mr. R, only me, Missy and Tiger.  I don't think Buck likes Bucket, either.  Cats are weird, are they not?

Just chillin' with my human.

My human is warm, brings me food, and wraps me up in the blanky.  But I wish he'd put on a shirt.

My human loves me.  I tolerate him only because he does bring me the vittles.

It is good to own a human.