Bucket tried to kill himself yesterday.
He decided to lie down in the middle of the street and wait for a car to hit him.
A little boy that I babysit ran in the house to tell me. I ran to get Bucket, just as a car narrowly missed him.
Missy saw what was happening, and took Tiger, my babysit boy, and Roscoe the dog out for a walk while I dealt with Bucket.
I said, "Why were you lying in the street?"
He said, "I wanted to die."
I said, "Why did you want to die?"
He said, "Because life is too painful here on earth."
My heart is breaking.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
I Don't Want to Have It All
Let me tell you about my morning so far.
Woke up about 5 minutes before my alarm went off. Used bathroom, brushed teeth, got dressed. Let cat out, started coffee pot. Woke children.
Started computer, waited impatiently for coffee.
Drove Bucket to school, because he had gotten sick at school the day before, and I left his bike chained up there. Tiger rode to school on his own.
I now sit there, working feverishly. 68 accts, and I have 2 hrs and 40 mins to work my schedule. Then I have to clock out, drive to Maitland, and play in the park for 4 1/2 FREAKING HOURS and neglect my work. We are having "a team building exercise." Which I find hilarious because I work at home...alone. Yes, I am part of a team, but we are a team of singularly paced people.
The worst part is, I don't want to go to the park and play. I am going to pay for this little excursion next week when my schedule is going to rush past 100 and since next Monday is President's Day, I can't even catch up then. Most insurance companies are closed on federal holidays.
Yesterday, when Bucket was home sick, I was sad. Not because Bucket was sick (that happens) but because he wanted to play chess with me, and I couldn't because I was too busy working. How awful. My baby wanted to play with me, but I had an obligation to my boss first. He looked so sad as he walked away, and turned on tv to occupy himself instead of interacting with his mother. The one who is supposed to take care of him, and love him, and play with him. With a lump in my throat, I turned back to my computer and continued working on my accounts for the hospital.
Why would anyone want to have "It All?" What is "It All?" Marriage, career, children, hobbies, friends?
How about instead of having "It All", we simply have "A Few" and do them well, instead of trying to do "It All" and feeling guilty because it's impossible. This may anger some, or rock the boat, but I don't think it's possible to work 40 hrs a week and be the best mother possible. Yes, I'm sure your heart is in the right place, for full time job moms. I am one of them. But what do children need? Another iPod? Fancy clothes? Guitar, soccer, dance lessons? Or do they want their moms to read stories to them at night? Or hug them when they're sick? Or take them to the swimming pool or lake in the heat of summer?
I beg you moms...no I IMPLORE. Think back to your own childhoods. Do you remember your mom for what she could buy you, or what she did for you? I can't remember any gifts my mom really bought me (except for my 10th birthday, when she bought me pretty shoes. Thus began the shoe fetish, hahaha) No, I remember us going to the park to ride bikes, feeding the seagulls on the beach in the winter. I remember going to the beach twice a week in the summer. Her teaching me how to curl my hair and paint my nails. Basic sewing skills. Us reading "Little House on the Prairie" and finding it awfully funny, because after all, I grew up in NYC.
Me: "You mean Mary and Laura were allowed to play outside ALL DAY?!?!"
I want all three of my children to remember me as the woman who cared for them, not as the lady who sat at her computer and worked all day. Sadly, I don't know if this is possible for me.
I don't want "It All." I just want to be their mother, and Mr. R's wife. Isn't that enough? And I want to do it well.
Woke up about 5 minutes before my alarm went off. Used bathroom, brushed teeth, got dressed. Let cat out, started coffee pot. Woke children.
Started computer, waited impatiently for coffee.
Drove Bucket to school, because he had gotten sick at school the day before, and I left his bike chained up there. Tiger rode to school on his own.
I now sit there, working feverishly. 68 accts, and I have 2 hrs and 40 mins to work my schedule. Then I have to clock out, drive to Maitland, and play in the park for 4 1/2 FREAKING HOURS and neglect my work. We are having "a team building exercise." Which I find hilarious because I work at home...alone. Yes, I am part of a team, but we are a team of singularly paced people.
The worst part is, I don't want to go to the park and play. I am going to pay for this little excursion next week when my schedule is going to rush past 100 and since next Monday is President's Day, I can't even catch up then. Most insurance companies are closed on federal holidays.
Yesterday, when Bucket was home sick, I was sad. Not because Bucket was sick (that happens) but because he wanted to play chess with me, and I couldn't because I was too busy working. How awful. My baby wanted to play with me, but I had an obligation to my boss first. He looked so sad as he walked away, and turned on tv to occupy himself instead of interacting with his mother. The one who is supposed to take care of him, and love him, and play with him. With a lump in my throat, I turned back to my computer and continued working on my accounts for the hospital.
Why would anyone want to have "It All?" What is "It All?" Marriage, career, children, hobbies, friends?
How about instead of having "It All", we simply have "A Few" and do them well, instead of trying to do "It All" and feeling guilty because it's impossible. This may anger some, or rock the boat, but I don't think it's possible to work 40 hrs a week and be the best mother possible. Yes, I'm sure your heart is in the right place, for full time job moms. I am one of them. But what do children need? Another iPod? Fancy clothes? Guitar, soccer, dance lessons? Or do they want their moms to read stories to them at night? Or hug them when they're sick? Or take them to the swimming pool or lake in the heat of summer?
I beg you moms...no I IMPLORE. Think back to your own childhoods. Do you remember your mom for what she could buy you, or what she did for you? I can't remember any gifts my mom really bought me (except for my 10th birthday, when she bought me pretty shoes. Thus began the shoe fetish, hahaha) No, I remember us going to the park to ride bikes, feeding the seagulls on the beach in the winter. I remember going to the beach twice a week in the summer. Her teaching me how to curl my hair and paint my nails. Basic sewing skills. Us reading "Little House on the Prairie" and finding it awfully funny, because after all, I grew up in NYC.
Me: "You mean Mary and Laura were allowed to play outside ALL DAY?!?!"
I want all three of my children to remember me as the woman who cared for them, not as the lady who sat at her computer and worked all day. Sadly, I don't know if this is possible for me.
I don't want "It All." I just want to be their mother, and Mr. R's wife. Isn't that enough? And I want to do it well.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Reasons I Love my Husband
Beloved
2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine.
3 Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes;
your name is like perfume poured out.
No wonder the maidens love you!
Let the king bring me into his chambers.
12 While the king was at his table,
my perfume spread its fragrance.
13 My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh
resting between my breasts.
14 My lover is to me a cluster of henna blossoms
from the vineyards of En Gedi.
Oh, how charming!
And our bed is verdant.
Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
is my lover among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
and his fruit is sweet to my taste.
4 He has taken me to the banquet hall,
and his banner over me is love.
5 Strengthen me with raisins,
refresh me with apples,
for I am faint with love.
6 His left arm is under my head,
and his right arm embraces me.
Isn't Song of Solomon just lovely? Listen to how she talks about her lover. "Faint with love?" OH MY!
Reasons I love Mr. R:
he is an excellent provider
he is a wonderful father
he is a man of God
he mows the lawn
he is a hard worker
he still tries to take care of his mom
he loves my family
he is a musician
he cried when our children were born
he is generous
he makes me coffee
he can answer Bible questions
he eats my food even when its not so good
he looks past my faults, and sees my virtues
he painted the kitchen red just for me, even though it took forever
he compliments me when I finally wear a skirt
he plays with my hair because he knows the weight of it hurts my head
he is not wasteful with money
he thinks I'm gorgeous even though the birth of three children have taken its toll on me
he thinks I'm sexy when I wear my glasses
he thinks my feet are cute (they are so short and stubby)
he has a great sense of humor
he loves to pick on all my siblings
he has made friends with most of my friends
he plays drums
he takes our kids fishing
he's good in bed (hey, nothing wrong with that!)
HE LOVES ME AS CHRIST LOVES THE CHURCH.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
The World Today
I'm just sort of sad about the world these days.
As you people know, I work from home for a hospital. Full time, 40 hrs a week. Who am I kidding, its more like 45. I only get paid for 40. Anyway, during the time I am working, I try valiantly to keep up on my home. Some days, I do great. Other days, I am a failure. It is very frustrating.
Over the course of my seven year career at the hospital, management positions have become available, which I was qualified for. And yes, it would have been nice, I guess. Wearing nice clothes, wearing actual shoes (I love my flip flops), having to drive an hour into Orlando, and then drive home an hour back. Yes, I would have made more money. I guess.
What I'm sad about is, the notion that now that my kids are older, they don't need me anymore. I disagree heartily. When the positions have opened up, I've always turned them down politely, and said, "I'm sorry, but my kids still need me." However, the last time I said that, the nasty reply was, "Aren't they in middle school yet?"
Have you hung out in middle school lately? I wouldn't consider the middle school set an example of maturity!
Not only that, but lets be realistic here. Let's say they give me a raise and I'm making $16 per hour. $16 per hour, 40 hours a week, 52 weeks per year, is $33,280.
Let's say I don't do after school care. So that saves me money, right? After all, I can leave the boys home after school. Missy will be home later in the afternoon to watch them. But what do I do over all the holidays, spring breaks, and summer?
The local city government has summer daycamp for $65 a week. Sounds good, right? $195 a week to pay some poor person to watch not only my three, but about 200 other kids. Summer is what, 10 weeks long?
So for the pleasure of working all summer long, I pay someone almost $2000 to watch my children.
No thanks...keep me home.
I didn't even budget in driving 45 miles one way, twice a day, with $3 per gallon gas, 5 times a week. And the clothes I'd have to buy just to get started....
Flip flops and sweat pants look better and better every day.
As you people know, I work from home for a hospital. Full time, 40 hrs a week. Who am I kidding, its more like 45. I only get paid for 40. Anyway, during the time I am working, I try valiantly to keep up on my home. Some days, I do great. Other days, I am a failure. It is very frustrating.
Over the course of my seven year career at the hospital, management positions have become available, which I was qualified for. And yes, it would have been nice, I guess. Wearing nice clothes, wearing actual shoes (I love my flip flops), having to drive an hour into Orlando, and then drive home an hour back. Yes, I would have made more money. I guess.
What I'm sad about is, the notion that now that my kids are older, they don't need me anymore. I disagree heartily. When the positions have opened up, I've always turned them down politely, and said, "I'm sorry, but my kids still need me." However, the last time I said that, the nasty reply was, "Aren't they in middle school yet?"
Have you hung out in middle school lately? I wouldn't consider the middle school set an example of maturity!
Not only that, but lets be realistic here. Let's say they give me a raise and I'm making $16 per hour. $16 per hour, 40 hours a week, 52 weeks per year, is $33,280.
Let's say I don't do after school care. So that saves me money, right? After all, I can leave the boys home after school. Missy will be home later in the afternoon to watch them. But what do I do over all the holidays, spring breaks, and summer?
The local city government has summer daycamp for $65 a week. Sounds good, right? $195 a week to pay some poor person to watch not only my three, but about 200 other kids. Summer is what, 10 weeks long?
So for the pleasure of working all summer long, I pay someone almost $2000 to watch my children.
No thanks...keep me home.
I didn't even budget in driving 45 miles one way, twice a day, with $3 per gallon gas, 5 times a week. And the clothes I'd have to buy just to get started....
Flip flops and sweat pants look better and better every day.
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